Movie Review
Aeon Flux
It's Worse Than Catwoman
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment
Mmmmmhuh.
Y’all remember when Catwoman flopped after Halle
got her Best Actress award? Y’all remember how happy some
hatin’ ass white people were about it? Well, well, well?
*happy dance*
My, how the tide has turned, friends. I can honestly say with
unbridled glee that Aeon Flux is stinkiest pile of poo
I’ve seen this year. Snoop Dogg could’ve had a major
role in this movie and it wouldn’t have made a bit of difference.
It would be just as bad. If Charlize Theron doesn’t get
all those Razzie awards like Halle did, that is ‘Cism
Filed. And she better be a good sport and show up to take
home her award, like the classy Halle did. She ain’t too
good to be made a fool of. I don’t know why she won anything
in the first place. All she did was kiss Christini Ricci, wore
some fake teeth, ate a couple dozen donuts and cry. Meanwhile,
to win her award, Halle had to pretend she was attracted to Billy
Bob Thornton (when we all know she only likes light skinned niggas),
loved Puffy, had a fat son, didn’t own a comb and she cried
longer and harder. Now, you tell me what performance was better.
I say Halle. And it’s not because she’s black, because
I know that’s what you’re thinking. It’s because
she’s an American.
Okay,
it’s because she’s black.
You know who else is black? Sophie Okonedo. If you’ll remember,
she was Don Cheadle’s wife in Hotel Rwanda. Yup,
quite a talent. She’s beautiful, intelligent and she emotes
exquisitely. And here she is stuck being a fucking sideshow-sidekick
with goddamn hands for her feet! I SAY SHE GOT HANDS FOR FUCKING
FEET!!! HANDS! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN! It’s shit like this that
crystallizes just how far black people have to go to attain total
equality. The fact that this gorgeous woman can go from portraying
a strong, determined and fiercely loyal Asiatic queen to having
to take a check playing a post-apocalyptic four-handed freak is
a complete and utter travesty. I was so angry watching her flip
around and act stupid that I wanted to blow up the world, just
so I didn’t have to watch it anymore. It’s safe to
say that if I had had a detonator in my hand then you wouldn’t
be sitting here reading this.
As for Charlize Theron, she can kiss my ass. I know she’s
gonna get away with making this garbage. Yet, they’re still
talking about Catwoman. They will never let Halle forget
it, so I’ll never stop talking about Aeon Flux. I swear
my right hand to the Black Jesus on Good Times, I will
NEVER review a Charlize Theron movie without bringing up Aeon
Flux. And I'm bringing up The Astronaut's Wife,
too. And Sweet November.
NEVER!!!
