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FiyaStarter RATING =  FiyaballsMovie Review
I gives this muhfucka no credit. NONE! Same movie, over and over again. Puerile bullshit. Films that practically scream, "I WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, BUT I'M AFRAID OF SERIOUS CRITICISM, SO I'LL JUST PRETEND TO NOT CARE AND MAKE PLEASANTLY AWFUL, DISPOSABLE SHIT LIKE THIS." Oh, but I will make serious judgments on this guy's movies, because there ain't nothing I love more than picking on the fat kid in the back of the class who likes to pop shit about kids at the front of the class who are actually trying to fucking excel. We all know this kid. All the fucking loser kids laugh at the lil' petty shit that he says on the sly about the popular kids. You know why? Because they're fucking losers. That's just what they do. After seeing Clerks II, there is no doubt that Joey Lauren Adams should have received an Oscar nod for Chasing Amy. She was like a magnificent diamond set in a ring made of hardened dog shit, so awesome that the band o' shit that supported her somehow appeared to be platinum. Without her performance, Kevin Smith would have not one "good" movie to his name. No, I do not think Clerks is a good film. I think it's a fucking volcano made by a 12th grade 'tard. And that shit still ain't fucking with Hard Eight, so why was he on Paul Thomas Anderson's dick for making Magnolia? While it was strange and a bit disjointed, Magnolia was undeniably the unbridled manifestation of an artist's vision, a raw, honest and unapologetic outpouring of Anderson's creativity. I'd rather a pretentious and talented director indulge himself with some frogs falling out of the fucking sky than watch some half-assing hack, WHO CANNOT WRITE SIMPLE, PURPOSEFUL DIALOUGE, attempt to divert the audience's attention away from his flimsy story and boring characters with gratuitous bestiality. Talk about hitting rock bottom. What the fuck was he thinking? Oh, lemme guess what you're thinking, little Kev Smith fan: I'm a prude? I'm not too secure? I'm no fun? I need to lighten up? Riiiight. Well, guess what bitches? DON'T GET SO BENT OUTTA SHAPE WHEN SOMEONE FILMS FROGS FALLING OUTTA THE FUCKING SKY!!! You muhfuckas will cry about minor details of X-Men movies and then laugh at men blowing donkeys. That's something, fellas. Keep up the good work. This movie, while not a total disaster, simply isn't funny or interesting. No one cares about these two ugly fucking guys. If they wanna be lazy, let them be lazy. Randal, Dante, Jay and Silent Bob are boring, lazy fucking people. Don't put dialogue in their mouths that makes them seem intelligent and appealing in one scene and then try to Slick Rick it up by letting them regress back into some lazy fucks who just wanna have fun and not bother nobody. I ain't buying that shit. I haven't bought it for 12 years. Until Kevin Smith makes a real fucking movie and puts his ass out there for some real criticism, I'ma keep hating on these college crowd, dumb ass, corny cracker, contrived and clichéd cock and pussy conversation carrying comedies. Just because you tanked with Jersey Girl, don't resign yourself to being Champion Of The Fucking Losers, nigga. Make a real movie, for fuck's sake. Before closing, I'd just like to say Rosario Dawson did herself no favors, and I'll just leave it at that. And I won't even be cruel and make specific reference to THE casting mistake in this joint. As Will Smith said in Men In Black: "Damn..."
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FIYA NBA Ranks: #9 |
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Ya
know, at some point, people are going to have to start judging
Kevin Smith by the same standards that other filmmakers are
judged and stop treating the guy like he's some mentally handicapped
kid who should be applauded for making a satisfactory
volcano for the 12th grade science fair. 