Movie Review
Constantine
Keanu and Improved
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment
Keanu
is the king of sci-fi. Period.
Keanu saves the world better and more often than any other actor
in history. Period.
Keanu is the only actor who should play dark, cool, morbid anti-heroes.
Period.
Keanu is John Constantine, a chain-smoking, cancer-ridden, demon-destroying
exorcist who is trying to buy his way into Heaven buy sending
as many demons as he can back to Hell.
And that's about all I can tell you about the plot of this movie.
There's something about an ancient evil knife that Hitler used
to make sandwiches, but now the forces of evil need the knife
to help perform a C-section on Rachel Weisz, who's holding the
Anti-Christ in her belly. And Rachel Weisz's twin sister commits
suicide. And the Archangel Gabriel is a chick. And the Devil is
that guy from Fargo. And Gwen Stefani's husband is some kinda
gay, demon pimp. And Cinque' from Amistad got magical powers,
y'all. That's right. Cinque' got powers in this one. And yada
yada yada...
But, that crazy ass plot doesn't even matter. It's about Dat 'Nu
fighting evil. Dat 'Nu. He good! Demons quiver when they hear
his name. The Devil covets his soul more than Quincy Jones covets
blondes. And God just wants him to act like he got some damn sense.
But, Keanu doesn't care. Like all cool ass anti-heroes, he doesn't
listen to anyone, not even God. He wants to do it his way and
his way only. Gabriel tries to tell him that God just wants him
to act right and do good for the right reasons and not to selfishly
scheme his way into the pearly gates. But, Dat 'Nu ain't tryna
hear all that. He figures if he's sending demons back to Hell
by the dozens, God should have mailed him an invite to Heaven
a while ago. Dat 'Nu think he's doing God a favor. The nerve of
this guy, huh?
I can see Keanu's point. He should get some type of reward for
saving all those lives and destroying all those demons. It ain't
fair that he's probably going to Hell.
However, I see where God's coming from, too. Why should Keanu
be allowed to buy his way into Heaven? You gotta have some kinda
standards. It's Heaven, not the Presidency.
However, there has to be some type of compromise. He shouldn't
be in Heaven; but definitely shouldn't be in Hell.
See, folks. Keanu's movies always leave us to ponder these kinds
of grand philosophical questions.
Go watch Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure again. You'll see.
Dat 'Nu. Da greatest actor alive...in super-natural thrillers
in which the fate of the world is at hand.
