Movie
Review
Death Sentence
There's No Kenny Loggins on This Soundtrack.
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment
I don't know what forces possessed me to go see this here Death Sentence movie, but I sure wish they would possess me more often, 'cause this is one of my top five flicks of the summer.
Death Sentence is the story of Kevin Bacon trying to find his niche as an aging character actor in Hollywood, as well as that of a classy business exec who methodically kills punks (punks are white, thugs are black...have you not noticed?), led by some white boy who looks like a thick ass Bizzy Bone, after they murder his son.
Oh, you read right. Kevin Bacon be killing people with the same 'tensity he showed when he was dancing in that factory over 20 years ago. He wears that same serious act look too, like: "Of you think I'm bullshittin'? Watch these moves, muhfucka!"
John Travolta's wife plays Bacon's wife in this one. Her ass got killed too. Thank God. She is a Lifetime Channel actress. I can't watch her in features. She gets on my fuckin nerves. No disrespect, but she's annoying. As soon as she got killed, the movie went to another level. No more scenes with them tryna cope with their son's death. No more crying. None of that ol' bullshit. From that point on, Bacon got focused and started killing. I must admit, I was skeptical at first. I mean, it's Kevin Bacon. What the fuck is he gonna do?
Let me tell you something: Don't ever underestimate Kevin Bacon. He went from believable corny ass white husband/father to believable tweaked out crazy ass white boy hit man. What an actor. You could see him transforming into a different person, as he saved his head and got his guns ready. Bacon was at last lamenting his lost humanity and embracing his savagery, y'all. That shit had me so cysed, I changed seats. Yes, I changed my damn seat. I took my ass right down front, because I wanted a better look at Bacon Dogg killing people.
I was not disappointed. Bacon tracks down the gang at their abandoned warehouse (where else would they be? abandoned warehouses are the preferred homes of most cinematic bad guys) and starts busting his guns. For the first few minutes, he hunts bammas down with a big ass elephant gun, blowing holes in everything. One guy, I dunno what he was thinking, stands in front of Bacon with a damn pistol and misses. Man, do you know he aimed that big ass shotgun in dude's general direction and blew his damn leg off? Everybody in the theater gasped. There was a brief silence, as we all processed the gore. At that moment, I took the opportunity to make everybody mad, blurting out "Now, that's what I call Footloose."
NOOOPE!!!
And it didn't stop there. KB tore through the rest of that gang like he was being controlled by some teenage nerd, until he reached the ultimate bad guy, Buffed Up Bizzy Bone. Their confrontation was brief, but it was fiya. It was also a little unfair, because Buff Bizzy had help from the only black guy in the gang, some greasy ass nigga that was breathing all hard, for no reason. This greasy fool shot Bacon. Why the hell was he there anyway? Niggas 'sposed to die in the first Act.
No matter. He lost. Bacon won.
Finally, I thought I could get through this review without hating on Aisha Tyler, but I can not. Look, I love me some Aisha Tyler, but she’s taking this serious actress shit too far. If she honestly thinks she can walk around with no makeup on, skin tags and shit all on display, a nappy ass neck and crusty lips, and not get talked about, she must not know Reggie.
Aisha, I got one word for all that: Ugh.
