Movie Review
The Island
This Bomb Has Plenty Of Explosions
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment
Scarlett
Johansson can't open a movie. Ewen McGregor can't open a movie.
From The Truman Show to The Matrix to Half
Baked, films exploring alternate realities have been done
to death in the last decade. Movies that go anywhere near the
idea of cloning tank horribly, as witnessed with Godsend
and Multiplicity.
What does all of that mean? Failure. Complete and utter failure.
The Island never had a chance. Michael Bay can blow up
all the stuff he wants; bad scripts are rarely saved. This looked
and felt like an original cable movie, it was so damn cheesy.
The costumes, cliché futuristic body suits, seemed like
an inside joke. I didn't laugh at them, because I couldn't shake
the feeling that someone was daring me not to. The main set, a
remote facility where clones are created, looked really cheap
and ill-conceived. It reminded me of a friggin skate park.
The plot was way too complicated for a summer film. Clones are
created to be insurance policies for human beings? Ah, no. I don't
even want to understand it, much less buy it. It's really some
silly ass ugly shit; creating human beings to then take their
parts and give them to the dying human beings in whose image they
were created. Just stupid.
Poor Scarlett. She might be thinking twice about turning down
Mission Impossible III after seeing the numbers for this piece
of shit. She should know how quickly a young pretty actress can
fall out of favor in Hollywood.
"This nigga ain't never lied."--Gretchen Mol
"I hate Harrison Ford."--Julia Ormond
It doesn't take much. If Scarlett isn't careful, she's going to
be somewhere on Sunset shopping and starving herself with Winona.
She better adopt a baby or some shit to get focus and avoid another
bomb like this. Maybe she can dump Jared Leto and hook up with
Frankie Muniz. Now that would be a hot fiya
career-jump starting scandal.
Michael Bay, by the way, is working on three flops in a row, starting
with Pearl Harbor through Bad Boys II and now
this Island crap. I forgive him though. Dude made Armageddon,
which is probably the greatest space movie about killer meteors
ever made, but everyone isn’t as forgiving as I am. He better
watch it.
Once again, Djimon Hounsou is immume from my criticism. He's brilliant
as usual. It would be great if someone could get this man a lead
role in a good action/thriller. He would dominate.
Finally, the stunts in this movie are the worst since I'm
Gonna Get You Sucka.
It’s
not too late, Scarlett, but you haven’t much time left;
Lindsey Lohan ain’t getting no younger.
