Movie Review
National Treasure : Book of Secrets
Harrison Ford Is So Scared, Right Now.
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment
Nic Cage couldn't figure out a way to be Superman, but he still fell ass backwards into this decade's most lucrative and wonderful movie franchise.
I'll tell y'all the truth, when I first read up on National Treasure, on IMDB back in '04, my first thought was, "This muhfucka is doing an Indiana Jones rip-off?" Well, thank God he did, movie fans.
Watching Cage's Ben Gates figure out stuff is the best thing in movies since The Matrix brought us "bullet time." Them forefathers were leaving B.G. them clues to that gold and he was figuring that shit out like bammas on RealestNiggas and BGOL be figuring out ways to get all that porn for free. GOOD!
In National Treasure: Book of Secrets, Ben and his semi-funny sidekick, Riley (Justin Bartha), are tryna find some lost city made entirely of gold, because Ed Harris done convinced everybody that Ben's great-grandpops was a racist ass confederate spy and he had a hand in killing President Lincoln. Gramps left some clues that can prove his innocence and Ben and Riley have to follow them to the gold. Now, I don't care nothing about who was racist and who shot Lincoln in the damn head, but I wanted see that gold city more than Gargamel. And you know Ben ain't let me down. That muhfucka was puttin them keywords in them riddles, owning those 200 and 300 year-old clues.
Those clues were old, but he was figuring them shits out in two minutes--at the most. AMAZING! I swear, I don't know who figures out problems better, Ben or single black moms. Man, I wish B.G. was my best friend in '88, so we coulda dominated that Legend of Zelda together and made everybody mad. My friend Eugene woulda been like, "You ain't beat no Zelda already! You lying!" And I woulda just smiled and said "Nope. You just mad, Eugene. Show 'em, B.G." B.G. woulda beat that Gleeock real fast and I would’ve followed up from there, because Gleeock just had a nigga number for some reason...
Now, while I've gotten over the comparisons to Indiana Jones, some of these Indy fanboys are still mad. It just amazes me when folks can't get over their loyalty and admit they support an inferior product. When that Indy 4 drops and old ass Harrison "Gimme Back My Family!" Ford is running like John Voight be running in the Natty Trez series, I am gonna rip that damn movie apart.
First of all, Natty T done already surpassed the Indy movies in death traps, which they had a lock on for over 20 years. There aint no way Spielberg and Lucas saw that balancing act death trap scene in Natty and didn't curse somebody on their staffs out for not thinking of it first. I already see that trap is gonna be a crucial level on that Book of Secrets video game and them nerds are gonna be team-working it up trying to pass it. Meanwhile, Indy is still gonna be running from boulders and cobras. Who wanna see all that?
I'm telling y'all, if Shia ain't in Indy 4 more than 20 minutes, that movie is gonna be a big ass Panzer.
