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FiyaStarter RATING =  FiyaballsMovie
Review
The Protector Who's Winning The Race For Best Martial Artist? It's A Thai! by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment
This shit is the greatest. He was fightin people with elephant bones. ELEPHANT BONES! In the history of martial arts movies, never have you seen anything like you will see in The Protector. I could not wipe the smile off my fuckin’ face. Tony Jaa is a cold ass dude. How you gon’ slice up people’s tendons with elephant bones? Okay, so Tony Jaa and his grandfather raise these big ass elephants, in hopes that one day one of their elephants will be selected by the king of Thailand. Thai people believe that elephants hold special power, so it’s a great honor for the king to select your elephant. With me so far? Well, it don’t matter, because that nigga’s grandfather got shot to death and he flew to Australia and went absolutely apeshit. You don’t even need to see this movie until the last 30 minutes, during which he fights some Brazilian nigga, who is like the fuckin’ High Priest of Capoeira or some shit, and five 7 foot, 400+ pound giants. Man, those two fight scenes are two of the best I’ve ever seen on film. The brotha from Brazil was dancing on T.J. and T.J. ain’t understand. He had this look on his face like “What kinda style is this…tiger, monkey, crane? I’m nervous…I’mma get kicked.” And sure enough, he got kicked in his muthafuckin face. That brotha was moving fast and rhythmic. And he was smiling, because he enjoyed dancing, y’all. I see where T.J. was coming from, because I’d be nervous too if I had to fight a nigga who enjoyed dancing and kicking people in the head more than anything else in the world. T.J. and the Brazilian brotha engaged in an epic battle of supremely violent and acrobatic combat. Neither won; they beat the shit outta each other. The fight was over when this big ass giant stomped onto the scene, and the brotha ran like a champ. T.J.’s dumb ass stayed there and tried to fight him. Maaaan, that giant was fuckin him up. He threw him on the ground real hard and kicked him. But, you know TJ figured some shit out. Hell, he is Asian, after all. He started kickin’ that giant on all of his joints--knees, ankles, elbows. Effective. That fight with the giant only serves as an appetizer for the ending, where T.J. had to fight four giants. Those big ass men were throwing him around like he was Cabbage Patch doll at a 1985 sleepover. I actually sat there thinking, “I dunno how Tony getting outta this shit…they big.” Then, they threw him into that elephant. My, my, my…what a mistake. They threw him into this elephant skeleton and he emerged holding two big ass elephant bones. I said, “What in the world is he gonna do with those?” Do you know how hard he hit them dudes in the head with them bones? Everything was working fine, until they threw his lil ass down again. But, even that worked out, because it cracked his elephant bone nun chucks and they became sharp and super lethal. Now, I ain’t gonna tell you how he sliced these men up, but suffice it to say…I was smiling. You will, too.
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FIYA NBA Ranks: #9 |
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