FiyaStarter.com - Reel Hot with Reggie Eggert

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“I was gonna drive around
the corner and get a blow job.”
-Charles Barkley
Drunk ass political hopeful.

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Reggie Eggert (30)

-Loves any movie with black people in it.
--Reggie was fired from BET.com for giving a 4-star review to Woo, which is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. Yes, worse than that. Yup, that too. It’s unforgivably bad. Reggie has learned his lesson. He promised not to give any movie with Jada Pinkett Smith in it for more than 20 minutes a rating higher than 2 and ½, because that’s all they deserve.

FiyaStarter RATING =

Fiyaballs

Movie Review

Snakes on a Plane
No Black People Died in Snakes On A Plane. YES!
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment

As a connoisseur of cult cinema, I can say without hesitation that Snakes on a Plane is the finest piece of well-aged cheese I have ever consumed. I have never seen a cult film reach cult classic status before it’s even been released--hell, before it had been made. Snakes on a Plane is the cult film for a generation, epic in its simplicity and execution. This incredible achievement in filmmaking is just as ridiculously brilliant as the title/plot implies, filled with memorable catch phrases, death scenes, characters and performances. For real for real, this shit might get nominated for an Oscar and a Razzie.

Most movie critic will tell you that there’s no real way to critique cult films, because they are not meant to be taken seriously and they have built-in audiences. However, I am no ordinary critic. I believe there is a way, a very obvious way, to judge cult movies. You simply make a list of the movie’s greatest moments. The more moments listed, the better the movie. So, without further ado, here is a chronological list of the Hot Fiya from SoaP:

Eddie Kim, the greatest villain since Lethal Weapon’s Mr. Joshua, beats the hell out of a vacationing L.A. prosecutor in Hawaii. Mr. Kim beats dude, who was hanging upside down, like a piñata, taking massive swings with a Louisville Slugger. At one point, in between swings, Kim, his face painted with the guy’s blood, hits the drunken frat boy yell--”Whooooo!”--and sends the audience into hysterics.
The first appearance of Flex and Kenan, as rapper Three G’s and his bodyguard, Troy. Them niggas were delivering the laughs in this one. I don’t know who Flex’s agent had to blow to get him this part, when it EASILY could have gone to any other third-rate black comedian, but, I have to admit, the bamma made the most of the opportunity. He took what could have been a corny ass parody of a rapper and actually made the dude a real person. And Kenan was Kenan. The fat nigga is just funny to me. He was making good faces yet again. My one beef was that the other bodyguard wasn’t Omar Gooding. Man, if Omar and Kenan woulda been in this shit making faces together…fuck it, that’s a whole ‘nother movie right there. That’s Omar and Kenan Makin’ Faces. You talk about a simple plot and title. Sheeiiiit.
They showed Kim doing martial arts just because he’s Asian. How racist. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That shit was so blatant, I almost choked on a Milk Dud. What the hell does karate sparring have to do with anything?
Kim explaining his reasoning behind smuggling over a hundred of the world’s deadliest snakes on board a massive jetliner all because he needs to kills the guy who witnessed him murder some prosecutor: “I had no choice. HE SAW ME!” LMAO!!!! TIGHT!!!! He’s willing to kill innocent children with this fucked up plan. HAHAHA…that plan was dumb as shit. He put snakes on a plane. HAHAHAHA. Bush should do that shit to Osama. Just bomb them fuckin’ caves with some snakes; mission accomplished within an hour.
Every single swollen wound from a snake bite. Them shits were the greatest. One lil’ boy looked like Popeye five minutes after getting bit on the forearm by a cobra.
The woman who was Woody Harrelson’s hideous landlady in Kingpin plays a flight attendant.
The Snake-cam. David Ellis deserves a huge nod for showing the snakes’ POV before they strike. It’s dumb and genius.
Samuel L. Jackson telling Kenan to "Turn this big motherfucker left!"