Movie Review
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
Go Give George Lucas Your Money
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment
Now
that the hype has died down a little, we avoid the wrath of the
nerds and give this movie an uncompromised, unbiased and utterly
honest review.
IT’S FUCKING INCREDIBLE!!!!
GODDAMN THIS MOVIE GOOD!!!!
DAT VADER!!! DAT VADER!!! HE GOOD!!! (meaning EVIL!!!)
George Lucas really pulled a gem out of his ass with this one.
Considering all the pressure he was under, should we even be surprised?
(Yeah, I know it was clever. It‘s my job) Maybe he wasn’t
just copping pleas when he said we shouldn’t judge the first
two episodes until viewing the final installment of the trilogy.
Star Wars: Episode III is an orgiastic display of the
two things nerds love: weapons that don’t fucking exist
and dumb ass talking creatures that don’t
fucking exist.
As you well know by now, Episode III focuses on young hotshot
Jedi Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christiansen) and his seduction
by the Dark Side. Anakin has a good heart and you’d never
think this kid could turn to evil. But, there’s something
clouding his judgment. It’s something that has clouded the
judgment of many a man and even a Jedi Master isn’t immune
to it. It’s called Pussy. And this boy is so pussy-whipped,
I cringed every time he was onscreen with Princess Padme, played
by the world’s top-ranked hopper, Natalie Portman. This
kid kicks ass for the entire movie, chopping motherfuckers up
with that light saber and shooting folks down in that crazy laser
plane of his. Then, next thing you know he’s weeping and
whining in the arms of his precious little Padme. Ghey and a half.
What kinda Jedi behaves like this? You’ve never seen Yoda
Dogg crying over no bitch. All Yoda wanna do is kill Sith Lords,
save the Universe and eat bugs, in that order. HE is FOCUSED on
his JOB.
Anakin’s descent into Evil is spurred by visions of Padme
dying. Jedi Save A Ho will do anything to keep this from happening.
Hell, he’ll become the most soulless and wicked human being
ever to exist, if thats what the situation requires. And guess
what? That’s what the situation requires. The dreams of
Padme’s death increase in frequency and intensity and Anakin
just freaks all the fuck out. He consults with Senator Palpatine,
who is a Sith Lord with vast knowledge of the Dark Side, unbeknownst
to the Jedi Council, which hold the Senator in protective custody.
Palpatine informs young Skywalker that the benefits of the Dark
Side might be to his liking. By learning the ways of Dark Side,
he informs Skywalker being able to prevent the death of loved
ones is entirely possible.
“How can I learn this power?” asks Anakin, in
a tone so ominous it recalls Michael Jordan’s post game
comments after LeBradford Smith dropped a massive 37 points on
his big bald ass head. You just know something ugly is about to
happen.
UGLINESS!!!!
In his last display of goodness, Anakin informs Jedi Master Mace
Gator Jules Windu, embodied by Samuel L. Jackson, that Palpatine
is a Sith Lord. Man, Samuel has a hissy fit.
“WHAT?!?!? WE BEEN PROTECTING THAT MOTHERFUCKA AND HE’S
A SITH LORD?!?!?!?” he barks at Anakin.
Okay, I’m lying. He didn’t say it like that. But,
damn, don’t you wish he did?
Anyway, Windu runs off to kill Palpatine, because that’s
just what Jedi do to Sith. Well, Anakin can’t have that.
He needs to learn that Dark Side Fiya
from Palpatine, so he can save his bitch. How’s he gonna
learn it if Windu kills Palpatine first? Exactly. Kill the black
man. That’s the answer to every white man’s problem.
Anakin slices off Samuel’s arm, just as he’s about
to deliver the deathblow to Palpatine. Then, Palpatine shoots
him with some lightning from his hands and electrocutes the shit
outta Sam. Damn. That’s a blower. Oh well, Sam got paid.
Palpatine informs Anakin that before he will teach him the Dark
Side, he must prove his worth. He must kill all the young Jedi
in the Jedi Temple. No problem. Anakin killed those kids up real
good. He barely flinched. Now, this leaves one person in the way.
Obi Wan. The Teacher.
In the greatest final battle scene since Bruce Leroy v. Sho’Nuff,
Anakin and Obi Wan engage in an epic and glorious duel over a
lake of MOLTEN LAVA. I won’t describe to you what happens,
but let’s just say OBI WAN CHOPPED THAT NIGGA’S LEGS
OFF AND LEFT HIM TO BURN ON THE FIREY SHORE.
HOT
FIYA!
Oh, but it doesn’t end there. Anakin’s hatred compels
him to pull his stumpy ass up the hillside, where he is found
by his new teacher, Palpatine. Palpatine takes Anakin’s
broken body back to his crib and pimps his hide (Please, don’t
hate me).
He hooks the boy up with some new legs, both equipped with 100g
Hds, WiFi, Centrino processors, etc.
He gives him new hands, covered with the same gloves that killed
Ron and Nicole.
Finally, he gives him a new hat. Maybe you’ve seen it before.
I think you have.
Do yourself a favor. Go see that hat.
