This
is my open letter to Ice Cube...
What...in...theeee...FUCK?
Cube, you had it! You had the game on lock with the family movies
and comedies and you go and throw it all away by trying to be
an action star? I will kill your agent!
Let's go over your recent track record in comedies, shall we?
Barbershop: 77 million (only cost 12 million to make)
Barbershop
2: 66 million (only 30 million to make...Ced wanted a bigger
check, huh?)
Are We There Yet: 81 Million (32 million to make)
Now, let's check you out when your big husky ass tries to do action.
Torque: 21 million (it cost 40 million to make)
Ghosts of Mars: 9 million (it cost 28 million to make)
DO YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I know you think people wanna see you scowl and act like the baddest
brotha ever to grace the screen, but you ain't Jim Kelly, nigga.
People only wanna hear you talking tough as an MC, not as a movie
star.
You may not want to hear this, but as a movie star, you are at
your best when you are warm and fuzzy. You make people laugh,
nigga! Get over it! Nobody wanna see your meaty ass moving all
slow with that fucked up fight choreography. The shit makes people
sick. I'm serious, dude. STOP! What kinda martial arts scene doesn't
have the hero doing some kicks? I'll tell what kind, the kind
that got your ass in them, playing the hero. It's disgusting.
And no, those leg sweeps don't count as kicks. John Candy did
a more realistic kung-fu fight scene in Going Berzerk
than any of the scenes you didn't pull off in xXx: State of
the Union. And Going Berzerk is much a better movie,
by the way.
The movie is trash on so many levels. I'm ashamed I even reviewed
it. I'm so mad, I seriously considered taking back three of the
fiveballs I gave Are
We There Yet. This movie almost made me retroactively
hate Friday. As I'm typing this letter to you, Friday
isn't as funny as it once was to me anymore. That's how much I
hated this movie. Man, I don't even like Amerikkkas Most Wanted
anymore. DJ Pooh ain't even funny in the Who's The Mack
video anymore. Okay, I'm lying about that part. Pooh's part was
Fiya. That bamma leaned back on that
hand. Pure comedy.
Anyway. Moving on.
So, I checked out your next couple of projects. Mr. Blandings
Builds His Dream House (comedy) sounds promising, but that
The Extractors (action) sounds like another colossal
tank waiting to happen.
Cube, you have a niche. Embrace it. Don't shy away from it. You
don't see Jim Carrey doing action or thrillers. Do you see Tom
Cruise or Denzel doing comedies? Do you see Clooney still playing
Batman?
Know your roles, dawg.
P.S. That kiss with Nona Gaye was weak. You can't fight like an
Asian action hero, but you damn sure kiss a woman like one.
Your biggest fan,
Reggie Eggert.
*Note to readers: Willem and Samuel were just collecting checks.
No need to blame them. They've earned the right.
