If
they had charged $30 to see X-Men: The Last Stand on
opening day, I'd have paid. I’m not even joking. I don't
know what it is, but I love seeing live action superheroes. I
remember when I was a kid, I used to watch, quite possibly, the
worst live action superhero ever, the TV version of Spider-Man.
Looking back, that shit was awful. Dude used to have big ass ropes
for webs that he shot out of two dumb ass bracelets. He was terrible.
I used to be pressed for the Electric Company Spidey,
too. And that nigga ain't even do shit. Well, unless you call
creeping around and looking gay “something.” But,
it didn't matter to me. I thought that guy was the greatest thing
I'd ever seen.
That said, it should come as no surprise that I think this movie
is the greatest comic book joint ever made. Why? Because it shows
what we all want to see from superheroes: THEM POWERS!!!
I don't care about that story. I don't care who loves who, who’s
mad at who, who’s on whose side or who likes humans and
who likes mutants. It's 'bout THEM POWERS!!! That's all I wanna
see and Brett Ratner delivers like no director before him.
I know some critics are killing Brett because he doesn't show
the emotional conflict of the story as much as previous director,
Bryan Singer, but I got some news for them: THIS AIN'T FUCKIN
TERMS OF ENDEARMENT, MOTHERFUCKERS!!! IT'S BOUT THEM POWERS!!!
I CAME TO SEE POWERS!!!
I'm telling you right now, if you ain't prepared to see powers,
then don't go see this movie, because there are so many characters
and so many wonderful displays of power, your mind can spontaneously
explode from sensory overload. One second you see Wolverine clawing
people to death and the next Iceman and Pyro are having an ice
and fire fight. But the best use of THEM POWERS comes from my
dogg Magneto. ‘Neto is baddest fuckin' super villain I have
ever seen. In possibly the greatest scene in cinematic history,
that ‘Neto uses his powers over metal to take apart the
Golden Gate Bridge and then float it over the ocean, WHILE HE'S
STANDING ON IT, to connect the shit to Alcatraz island. Now, I
done seen some tight special effects before, but that shit had
everybody in the theater smiling. Oh, did I mention that I saw
this film in Paris? So, yeah, throughout the movie I don’t
know what the fuck anyone in the audience is talking about, but
smiles are universal and I saw of a lot of them. ‘Neto made
them Frenchies happy. HAHAHAHAHAHA. They wanted to see them powers...hahahahaha.
The best smile I saw was from this old French black man. Not only
did he smile when ‘Neto lifted that bridge, his old ass
looked like Nipsy Russell in a brothel when Jean Grey/Phoenix
lifted Xavier up outta that chair and tore his skin off.
The only thing that would top this movie is if they combined the
X-Men and Spider-Man franchises and have one
huge finale. I'd probably make a mess in my pants watching that
joint.
