You may have heard it before, but I’m telling you first hand, chaps; there’s nothing like having an all access pass on Grammy night, NOTHING. I suppose having the key to the city would be nice as well, but I can’t imagine it being much better. It’s probably safe to say you’ve already seen the pictures and recaps of the performances and speeches, so I won’t bother you with that.

Probably the worst part of Grammy night is the time between the end of the show and the beginning of the first after-party. This is when the paparazzi hounds the likes of Alicia Keys, U2 and whoever else has two or four horns in their hands backstage, snapping those absurd pictures of the artists holding all their awards with the standard, “wow” look on their faces… It gets boring, but you kind of get your second wind when you see the artists become antsy themselves because they want to Get It Started just as much, if not more than the rest of us. Speaking of the award winning Black Eyed Peas, Will.I.Am had an all-plaid party somewhere off of Pico Blvd. but it sounded painful, so I skipped that and instead got a beat on the top three parties of the evening. Of course Usher was going to have an off the hook bash, but that would be going on all night. The key to this after-party thing is to take your chances at the beginning of the night as long as you finish strong. I learned that from Hugh Grant, by the way (among other things… "no homo," I believe, is the term). So with Diddy Combs nowhere in party sight, I concluded Usher’s party would be the last stop function. My insider told me the other two hot parties would be "Gwen Stefani’s: 80’s Punk Party,” and "Ricky & Remy Ma-rtin’s: Living Loca with the Cru” party.

Yes, you heard me right. The most unlikely tandem of the evening combined their resources for… well, more on that in a minute. My limo driving whisked me away to Gwen’s party at the Century Club where I, No Doubt, had a good time (hehehe). Everyone was dressed in retro 80’s wear to the point where I was upset I didn’t get the blasted memo. Much of the crowd was wearing pastel colored shirts and blazers rolled up to their elbows, Crocket and Tubbs style. I spotted Jermaine Dupree and Janet Jackson doing the snake in the corner sporting matching khaki knickers and polka-dot shirts. Alfonso Ribeiro and Kelly Clarkston were doing that dance he likes so much in front of the bar. Elton John and Pink… well, looked pretty much the same as usual. The highlight of the night though, was Party Animal Abe (Vigoda) defeating Gwen in a breakdancing contest. She had just finished demolishing Kanye West and his three Grammys (yes, he danced with them) before Abe stepped up. From what I saw, the contest was tight until the theme from 48-Hours came on and Abe put it in another gear and pulled off a windmill that ended with his legs crossed and him taking a jello shot... Flawless.

Just as I thought the night couldn’t get any better, Anthony Anderson slipped me the address for the Ricky Martin party. I admit I was very reluctant to not only leave this party, but leave it for a Ricky-Remy party, but believe it or not, it was off the chain! I’ve heard the rumors about Ricky’s sexuality, and the rumbles about Remy's wild entourage full of hooligans, but there is no disputing that when I walked through that door there were nothing but beautiful women from the creamiest of creams to the richest of chocolates from wall to wall. I looked up to the second floor glass V.I.P. suite where Ricky and Remy were doing this cross salsa-Lean Back dance. They seemed to be enjoying themselves... After taking a shot of Patron to get my mind right, I just had to find someone to explain to me what the hell this was happening here. I then spotted Anthony Anderson who had four of the most stunningly curvaceous women I’d ever seen surrounding him as he executed some dance I’ve only seen on a Luke's Freak Show video. He saw me and exclaimed, “Aww nigga, what I tell you? Get-low-love don’t leave a party unless he guaranteed to get lower, come on smack that ass, I say smack it! Don’t worry, they straight off the boat dog, they don’t even know how to file charges. I say smack it!”

Sorry if I'm disappointing you here, but I didn’t make it to Usher’s party. I spent the next four hours smacking ass with Anthony (yeah, no homo). I simply never knew how invigorating discipline could be. Double-A taught me to envision it as if I were playing racket ball and the ass was some kind of super ball bouncing every which way. It’s quite a workout. Quite frankly it's hard for me to believe that a guy who does this regulary (clearly, he does) would not be in shape like The friggin Rock. But anywho, as the party was winding down, I got one of the bartenders to give me The Run Down (catch it?). Word has it that when rapper, Big Pun was alive, he did a song with Ricky Martin and Remy, who was a part of Pun’s crew, was at the studio session. Ricky and Remy have been an on again-off again couple, ever since. I know, go figure.

Now to set things straight, let it be know that I rarely shut down a club, but you can't imagine how mastering the art of ass smacking can make time go by in such a breeze. It was like getting that first racing car set on your birthday and BOOM, it's bed-time. So at 5 am, you can imagine how upset I was to realize I had missed the Usher party. I’m still invigorated though and I want some trim, you know? So I end up at "Vivica's Foxes & Grammy Groupies Brunch," where I enjoyed fine pastries, mimosa’s and a bj.

I love the Grammys.