You know, when I agreed to become the A-list function reporter for FiyaStarter.com, I began to reflect on how far I had come, just socially. It’s my belief that to fully be able to appreciate the lavishness and lifestyle of the rich and infamous, you have to experience the long lines and bottom shelf rail drinks of the common public. In order to have people connect with you, you must understand where they’ve been and where they want to be. I’ve been on both sides of the track, ladies and gentle fellows. Raised in a less than wonderful neighborhood in London, I’ve struggled for meals and felt the harsh reality of this cold world through the torn soles of my brogans. Sir Smoke-a Lot said it best when he told Thurgood, “I understand.” I’m here to tell you, I understand, you. I understand you want the raw detail of what goes on out here. I will try my best to deliver.

With that said, the last time we met, I told you guys about a party I had attended with Anthony Anderson. I’ve received numerous emails here at FiyaStarter asking for more tales about groupies. I’ve decided not to do that… Not just yet, anyway. I know that’s a disappointment to some, but look at it from my perspective, if I continuously dry snitch about what they do, I won’t have any do me, literally! Don’t get me wrong, I love connecting with the public, but I love connecting with groupies just as much (again, literally!). Brits have needs, too.

Now while I’m not going to give you a specific groupie tale (well, maybe one, but no names) today, I will speak on them. Better yet, I will ask you this: why are groupies looked upon in such a negative light? Why are they vilified, deemed as worthless and associated with such negativity? I guess what I’m asking is: What’s really wrong with groupies?

I, personally, like groupies. I support what they represent. Uh oh, I feel an influx of angry female subscribers tapping away at their keyboards already. Well, let me finish before you unleash high volumes of estrogen on me. What I like about groupies is their unapologetic stance on what they do without the sleazy overtones of a prostitute. Now, any real gentleman doesn’t want to really admit he’s paying for the nook, but that’s what it comes down to in 98.9% of the situations between a man and a woman that end up in sex on the balcony of the Vista. You don’t really face that dilemma with groupies. I’m as suave as they come and I enjoy wining and dining young ladies. But, to be honest with you, I sometimes enjoy not having to explain my story and convince a woman that her panties should be by her ankles by at least 1 am.

With groupies, it’s a stress free game with no shot clock. They want to be with you, so they do their homework. They know what you’ve accomplished, what you like and if you like fruit with your whipped cream or without. They tune themselves in on your frequency. I’ve had a young lady I met at a lavish after-party once lead me back to my hotel room. I’d been drinking like a bass fish so I had to use the laboratory. When I opened the bathroom door, room service had just brought up a bottle of Perrier-Jouet, my favorite champagne and the young lady had just popped Arthur’s Theme in the CD player, perfectly lip-syncing “When you get caught between the moon and New York City...” while performing a seductive striptease. Who in the hell knows I like to make love to Christopher Cross music? She did, somehow. We had a smashing time (get it?); I foot the bill and she got first class treatment for a night and the story of a lifetime. The whole experience was exhilarating, kinda like “Saiiiiiiling.”

Ok, but I did enjoy it. Many of my celebrity friends prefer groupies to real relationships because of the lack of baggage and I respect that. If you know you have a hectic schedule or life and there’s no real chance of you traditionally courting and getting to know a female at the present time, then you’re left with three choices; 1) break hearts nationwide with lies 2) be lonely and wack off with the ferocity of a motorized garden appliance 3) find a groupie.

I liken groupies to roller coasters. You find them in fun places that you’ve paid or at least paid your dues to get in. If your stature measures up, you’re allowed to get on. If you’re really connected, you get to cut in front of others for first dibs. The ride is usually a rush and when it loses luster there are always dozens of other rides in the park. But, until then there’s always the choice of getting right back on. They often have the propensity to make you dizzy. And because of your curiosity and subsequent participation, it keeps their maintenance up. It’s really a wonderful and fair partnership, don’t you agree?

*PS - For the record, during my brief time in the states my favorite parks have included Hershey’s Park & Busch Gardens. Have any personal suggestions? I’d fully “understand” if you wanted to keep them under wraps.