FiyaStarter.com - Reel Hot with Reggie Eggert

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“I was gonna drive around
the corner and get a blow job.”
-Charles Barkley
Drunk ass political hopeful.

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Reggie Eggert (30)

-Loves any movie with black people in it.
--Reggie was fired from BET.com for giving a 4-star review to Woo, which is quite possibly the worst movie ever made. Yes, worse than that. Yup, that too. It’s unforgivably bad. Reggie has learned his lesson. He promised not to give any movie with Jada Pinkett Smith in it for more than 20 minutes a rating higher than 2 and ½, because that’s all they deserve.

FiyaStarter RATING =

(4½) Fiyaballs

Movie Review

Something New
Jungle Fever 2: Revenge of the Sistas
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment

Ok, first, I have a few objections.

Objection One: I didn't appreciate one of the opening scenes of this movie. Kenya (Sanaa Lathan, owner of the sexiest facial scar ever) walks into a Magic Johnson Starbucks in Crenshaw and encounters every kind of obese, ugly, cheating, gay, bi, broke, ignorant and flat out wack ass nigga a black woman could observe with one 360 degree turn. I mean, Goddamn!!! Really? What are the fucking odds, man? Every brotha within a half-mile radius of that Starbucks...wack?...really? I guess you proved your point, sistas. And I'm reffering to the black women who wrote, produced, directed and starred in this film. Great job, sistas. Brothas ain't shit. We gotcha. Loud and clear. NOPE!!!!! Loud and clear.

Objection Two: There was only one cool, smart, employed, funny, honest and non-boring nigga in the whole movie (that'd be Mike Epps...*pause*...I know)) and Kenya let her girlfriend Cheryl (Wendy Raquel Robinson) get to him before she did. I thought she wanted a man? Obviously not, if she lettin' it go down like that. If you're gonna have ONE aight nigga in the entire state of California, why not steer our heroine that nigga's way? Nope! It's a valid argument. Okay, I'm being petty. I'm just a little bitter. I don't think it was fair to so grotesquely exaggerate the complaints black women have about black men. For fuck's sake, her ex-boyfriend was an insensitive, afrocentric ass bamma, who invited her to his wedding via her damn answering machine. I mean, GODDAMN!!! REALLY?!?!?!? That can happen? This beautiful, brilliant and accomplished woman spent her time with a nigga who would do such a thing? Get the fuck outta my face with that bullshit, man.

Objection Three: Perfect white man. Perfect white man. Perfect white man. Now, don't give me no shit about "Oh, but Reggie, he was perfect for her." Awwww. Again, get the fuck outta my face with that bullshit. This muhfucka played in the dirt for a living. Man, if that was a brotha...making money by playing in dirt all day, earning SUBFUCKINGSTANTIALLY LESS MONEY than her and driving A BIG FUCKED UP TRUCK and expecting her to ride around in that shit like it's cute...I MEAN, GODDAMN!!! Really?!?!? Perfect White Man knows exactly all the right things to say. Perfect White Man knows to send her li'l cute ass books to read. Perfect White Man knows she want him paintin' her toenails and shit. Perfect White Man just knows for sure that she wants to fuck after she tells him to leave. How fucking perfect. This muhfucka know everything. I MEAN, GODDAMN!!! Really?!?!?!? Everything about Perfect White Man is perfect, except one thing: Sistas don't know who the fuck Simon Baker is. Sistas gotta settle for an 8th tier white man to play this part. No Brad. No Matthew. No Leo. No Tom. No Eric. No Christian. No Colin. None of that. Y'all got the nigga who played in The Guardian on CBS. Damn, did Frankie Muniz turn this joint down, too?

However, now that I've voiced all my objections...THIS IS A GREAT FUCKING MOVIE!!! I was really happy for the sista. That white boy was taking care of her and making her feel all special and shit. I can't hate on that. Hell, these niggas out here are fucked up. Y'all niggas better step y'all game up, because these white boys and these sistas gonna see this movie and the shit is gon' be on, niggas. You think it's a joke? Okay. Keep taking sistas for granted. Niggas, the only thing we've EVER had over white boys is the fact that we could depend on black women to never stray and prop us up as their definition of manhood. Fuck prison, fuck drugs, fuck all that down-low shit, niggas ain't hit bottom until sistas realize they ain't gotta wait on our trifling asses no more. And that's from my heart, niggas. Keep bullshitting and watch the new phenomenon unfold for Summer '06. White boys gonna be banging out sistas and sistas gonna be smiling and happy, because they know they man got good credit. NOPE!!! Good credit.

Brothas, go see this shit and be scared straight.