FiyaStarter.com - Courtesy Flush

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“I was gonna drive around
the corner and get a blow job.”
-Charles Barkley
Drunk ass political hopeful.

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How's About A Courtesy Flush?
by: Trevor Burns, for Special Features

So, I’m at the gig drudging through eight of the forty hours I have to put in, to pay my car-note and get my four drinks at the club this weekend (*two and a half, if I don’t make it there in time with the “b4 11” Email-pass… don’t judge), when my mid-morning coffee hits me like a Clemons bean-ball. Off to the restroom for quick relief, right? Wrong. I walk slam into what seemed to be a nuclear war zone. I momentarily blank...

Hey, have you ever been in a bathroom that smelled so terrible that when you walk out you do the quick sniff check on the shoulders of your shirt to make sure you haven’t pulled any of the un-fumigated waste out with you? Are you then paranoid because the smell hasn’t budged according to your tempered senses? As soon as I regained my senses, somewhat, I noticed that one of the stall doors was closed and this was one of those wonderful lavoratory trips. Mr. black-shoes, we’ll call him, was bombing away like a B-2 fighter without concern of friendly fire in his surrounding area. So I cough for this guy to know that I’m here and it’s time for a “courtesy flush.” No action, whatsoever. Now, without taking this piece all the way down the drain (I know, cheap), I can understand how one can get caught up in “the moment,” but I thought that was only legal at home. When you’re in public, all inhibitions are set on high, right? Opening doors and footsteps should scare you directly into a reflex flush. That’s what I thought anyway. At this point I’m agitated. I let out the super-exaggerated version throat clear thingy. Nope.

Now I’m thinking either this guy is just being an asshole on purpose or he was never taught the unwritten rules of public bathroom etiquette… Ummm? Asshole, for sure. Meanwhile, I’m delegated to standing there holding my breath like a deep sea diver as I tend to my business. I finish and head to the sanitary station to complete the transaction when Mr. black-shoes, himself makes a special out-of-stall appearance. As a matter of fact, he not only shows his face, but he gives me the “What’s up” nod in the mirror during his half splash hand wash. The nerve of this guy. The blatant disrespect for all that is right in the universe of tile & bright lights, and then a friggin’ nod? He didn’t get… it. That’s it, he didn’t get it. I knew that smile he shot off the mirror threw me off. It was too genuine. This clown didn’t even understand what he did wrong. This twist compelled me to think long and hard about how we could help out those ignorant, without offending them and making a big stink out of these everyday situations (no, seriously).

After five minutes of soul searching and yahoo browsing, I finally came up with a fool proof plan for this widespread, yet surprisingly unaddressed, dilemma. A button. A “Courtesy Flush” button to be exact. Picture this:

You walk through the bathroom door and you notice someone went for the Tex-Mex last night. To your immediate right is a big shiny red button with white lettering Courtesy Flush, centered. You hit it with the bottom with your fist (about as sanitary as we’re getting here, folks) and linked to each stall is a smaller translucent button that flashes and gives off a quick vibrating buzz like the old Operation game.

Seem like too much? Not at all. The vibrating buzz is needed for the hearing and visual impaired (trust, they’ll know). Now, I know you run the risk of having little hooligans terrorizing people in bathrooms around the world (you damn right, global!) with vibrating terror romps, but we can surely set some kind of mechanism doodad on these things to only allow two buzzes per minute. Anyone who needs more buzzes than that needs the damn fire department… Hmmmm.