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Vegas Wasn't That Bad...Well, For The Most Part.
by: Arson Palmer for Special Features


I wanted to write this as soon as I began hearing and reading about the numerous tales of what happened in Las Vegas, last weekend, after these fabulous fiction writers had time to put makeup on their stories, but I thought it would be better to let it settle a bit and now that I’ve done that, here’s my reaction:

Don’t believe the hype, people.

To those that have given their “gory” details of the Vegas version of All-Star Weekend, I have but two questions in response to your chronicles: “What area did you frequent?” and “What the fuck did you expect in Sin-fucking-city?” Dealing with the latter, first, did you honestly believe Las Vegas, where prostitutes roam the streets like gazelles and where walking down the street with half finished bottles of Remy X.O. in front of police is like eating an ice cream cone, was going to be anything less? Personally, as a damn near ten-year veteran of Negro-festivals (i.e. Black College Weekend, Memorial and Labor Day in Florida), I was actually surprised at how tame the crowds in Vegas were…for the most part.

Sad? perhaps.

Realistic, considering the event? Most definitely.

If you take in to consideration that EVERYONE was drunk and more than a third were high (lowball), I’d say black people (oh, yes. I mean, that’s what this is all about, right?) exhibited excellent behavior under the circumstances. Especially since EVERYONE else that ever goes to Las Vegas; black, brown, white, yellow or tangerine orange does the exact same thing, I don’t see what the big deal is. Usually that’s a recipe for a nuclear disaster on a holiday weekend, in your local urban metropolis. Now, what I saw was people largely enjoying themselves, getting what they came for: The pimps, hookers, adulterers and unfaithfuls sought each other out and worked the terms of their smuttage out. The wannabe thugs, mainly talked shit back and forth, then got distracted by cleavage. And the people that were there to hang out with friends, and mingle with pleasant opposites whilst losing money in camera filled casinos got their money’s worth.

Of course I was on the strip, most of the time. The upper half of the strip, that is, which leads me into my other question: If you had been down to the end where the MGM Grand Hotel was, one time, and you went back, why are you complaining? Unless you stayed in that hotel was, you should not have gone back there. I sure as hell didn’t. And furthermore, if I were staying there, I would have switched hotels, or stayed away until the sun came up. Bitching about that area is like bitching about your wife cheating on you after you found her touching her toes at a motel, the first time. You deserve every disgusting thought that runs through your head.

Simply put, there were certain areas in Vegas that were Olympic sized cesspools with ten-foot diving boards. If you want to draw attention to those quarters, fine. But I’m on my glass half-full shit, today and it’s no stretch at all for me to refer back to how I coasted through the ’07 All Star Weekend. It took me 45 minutes in line, for one over-hyped/priced party to realize that the bars and casinos were just as fun, a bit roomier and a lot cheaper and safer. The details will probably leak in the days and weeks to come, but from what I’m hearing, most of arrests in Vegas were of prostitutes attempting to conduct “business” within the city limits where their practices are illegal, whereas most of the arrests in Miami, just two weeks earlier for the Super Bowl were violence based felonies. I wonder how that didn’t get blown up…anyway, here is a top 25 list of Negro-fest ’07 observations.

  1. Everyone’s flight to and from can be used in a Soul Plane analogy
  2. Seeing a slot machine before baggage claim is kinda repulsive
  3. 82 ounce long stemmed drinks are very repulsive…but, only after you’ve had one
  4. Patron’s stock had to go up 4 points, while Remy and Hennessy, about 3
  5. I never knew pimps could custom-order fur coats with up to 15 colors
  6. The west coast version of “I might pull out a weapon,” is “On everything, on my momma, I _________.”
  7. A buffet can actually be so good that you yearn for regular portioned entrées
  8. Many people set out for the $3.45 eggs and bacon meal, but few realize it
  9. Oxygen bars are a good idea, but not when they’re positioned next to cash bars
  10. Asian people and TV stations roll pretty deep in the L.V.
  11. Preggers partiers and prostitutes…add that to the repulsive list
  12. Brandishing open containers of alcohol feels weird, especially in front of cops
  13. Open bar in Vegas = an open suicide letter
  14. When a professional athlete cannot get in the party, your shot is pretty slim
  15. Coming up early at a casino is a sign…a very very bad one :(
  16. Lance Burton is God or something in that city
  17. I still don't understand how prostitution is illegal within the city limits yet dudes can stand on the sidewalk wearing "I've got hookers FOR YOU" t-shirts on handing out "business cards"
  18. Nobody actually saw a shooting, just heard about one
  19. Honestly, I would have put money on Zab Juda catching a charge before Pac Man
  20. Kobe gets more love than Wayne Newton in Sin City, whouda thunk it?
  21. Remy Ma’s hairdo has really caught on
  22. I need to travel with assorted color wristbands more often
  23. Check-in on the return flight = the middle passage with bags replacing shackles
  24. After the city tallies up all the money they made, me, Magic and Kwame from The Apprentice need to present our proposal of the annual “Negropalooza” event to the Nevada State Commission, to take place right around after tax time every year, from here on out (I’m not joking)
  25. Having said everything in my rant above, I fully expect New Orleans to be Kuwait, next year. See you soon.


 

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