FiyaStarter.com - Linwood Jenkins

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“I was gonna drive around
the corner and get a blow job.”
-Charles Barkley
Drunk ass political hopeful.

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--Standing 6-4, 220 pounds, Linwood was the star center for Mary McLeod Bethune High School in Bucktown, Alabama, a small community of approximately 250 African-Americans that is located right outside of Adulasia. According to the school’s official scorekeeper, Linwood’s uncle, Sylvester, Linwood averaged 76 points, 48 rebounds and 43 blocks, 34 steals and 2 assists a game during his senior season. “The boy just had a gift. People say he only dominated like he did because he was four inches taller than the next tallest kid, but that ain’t have nothing to do with it. He could stand still and dunk that ball from the free throw line. He shot 98% percent from the line because of that.” Sylvester adds that Linwood wasn’t selected to play in the 1982, where he would have faced Cheese Eyes McDonald’s All-American game “because of racism.”

The Boob With Boobs
by: Linwood Jenkins, for Sports

So, Phil Mickelson’s true character has finally been revealed. He’s a choker. Given the perfect circumstances--no Tiger and a one stroke lead on the 18th tee in the final round of the U.S.--Phil folded like an innocent little Honduran girl in a sweat shop. This is the man who is supposed to be Tiger’s latest rival? At least Ernie Els lost like a man and Sergio Garcia had the good sense to never give Tiger-haters hope by winning any majors at all.

Since he won his first Masters, the media has been forcing the Phil propaganda in our faces at every turn. Well, look at what it got them. All of that hype, all of their predictions-turned-promises of greatness have culminated with one legendary choke job. Not even Greg Norman…speaking of promises of greatness, Dwayne Wade is bustin’ Dallas’ ass right now. Goodness gracious, he good! GOTDAMN, HE MADE THAT?!?!? Now, if Phil coulda sunk some shots like D-Wade is doing, I wouldn’t be talking shit about him right now.

Back to Norman. Not even Greg Norman had the kind…GOTDAMN WADE?!?!?!? FIYA!!!! Whatchu got, Dirk? DAMN!!! WIE GHETS, HASLEM? Anyway, I wanted to say that not even Greg Norman had the kind of shocking and immediate collapse Phil had today. Norman’s chokes were unfailingly gradual…good pass…Shaq dumb as shit. What you saw from Phil today was not a sign of things to come, but rather the revealing of what was already there. D-Wade is a nigga! DAMN!!! BLACK!!!

No one has ever questioned Mickelson’s talent. In fact, his considerable talent is the reason why his three major tournament wins the past three years has been so severely overblown by his fans in the press. Apparently, Phil’s majors are every bit the equal of Tiger’s 10 majors. That’s how that works, see? All they needed was for Phil to win one major, let alone three.

How will today’s setback affect the campaign for Phil? To be honest, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what Phil’s fans think about what happened at Wingfoot. The only thing that matters is that Phil’s famously fragile confidence is back to it rightful pre-2003 levels. Chokers need to remember that they are chokers. Otherwise, you’ll have a million little Charles Barkley’s running around with an unjustifiable champion’s swagger, which, frankly, looks bad. The Collapse…PAYTON??!?!? HE OLD!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. HE WANT DAT RING!!!! HE TRYIN HARD!!!! YEAH, GP!!!

The Collapse at Wingfoot puts Phil’s career back in its proper perspective. He’s a talented guy. He’s won some majors. However, he has the misfortune to play…HEIL!!! Ich kann nicht es glauben!!! in the same era as someone who is a truly once in a lifetime talent. Wow. I hate to say refs are giving the game to a team, but seriously, this is disturbing.

Y’all get the gist. Phil choked. I gotta watch the end of this game.