FiyaStarter.com - Linwood Jenkins

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“I was gonna drive around
the corner and get a blow job.”
-Charles Barkley
Drunk ass political hopeful.

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LoyalKnicksFan aka Patrick Walt Willis John Allan Johnson-Oakley-King the 3rd, is 31-year-old Yonkers native who was forced to move upstate, further away from MSG and the current state of the Knicks. He was fired by his employer in 1994 for refusing to work during the ‘94 Playoffs and NBA Finals which featured the New York Knicks. He blew the engine on his 1986 Dodge Caravan, racing home for the tip-off of game 5 of the 1995 playoffs between Indiana and New York. Written requests that Knicks management pay for the repairs for the vehicle were denied. During the 1997 NBA Season, he reduced his yearly income by 60% because he left work early every evening in order to watch what he thought was the New York Knicks team that would finally defeat Cheese Eyes and the Chicago Bulls. While most people resort to "Word to my moms" or "Word to god," Loyal is often heard saying, "Word to the Knicks."

A Day In the Life...
by: LoyalKnicksFan, for Sports

When I took on the task of writing this column, I never imagined that it would garner this type of attention (I get recognized by wearing the hat). It's like I'm an Overnight Celebrity without all of Twista's acne. I have reporters hanging outside the crib, I don't wait in line or have to obey the dress code at local clubs, Stephen A. Smith calls me up all the time to be on his show, Spike lets me ride that rolling sidewalk machine in all of his movies and I even get free upgrades to super size at McDonalds.

Ok, so maybe I'm kind of stretching the truth. I don't really eat McDonalds.

One drawback though is the annoying amount of questions and/or comments I get when I'm out handling my business. Here are some:

"The Knicks are better off without Stephon Marbury."
Maybe they are, maybe they aren't, but blaming Stephon for the Knicks short comings is stupid. Let's see, 20ppg and 8apg over a career? You can bring back Howard Eisley if you want.

"Do you think Nate Robinson looks like 50 Cent?"
If you're asking me, then obviously you think he does. But yes, he does look like Curtis. Now please stop asking me.

"Giving up the #1 pick in the Eddy Curry deal was a dumb move."
Look, fuck you! Who would have thought Larry Brown was going to have this team so god awful? Nobody complained about that deal when it happened because no one expected our record to be horrible enough to be eligible for the #1 pick. Y'all remind me of the dude who watches a movie then goes to see it with someone else and pretends he figured the ending out with pure intelligence instead notes. Oh yeah, in case you didn't notice, this draft is weaker than a Euro during his rookie season.

"Isiah makes too many trades."
What do you want him to do? We suck. When you suck, you try and get better. Remember we don't have salary cap money, so we have to make trades. I swear I will make a poster with Scott Layden's face on it and smack people with it when they ask me about this shit.

"Jerome James is a piece of shit."
Well, ya don't say? Listen, I don't need to hear this every time I go to the store to pick up some milk. I know he sucks, but think of it like your wife being a whore. You might know it but you don't need everyone reminding you. (Hey baby)

"Is Kevin Garnett coming here next year?"
People usually ask me this question with one of two motives behind it. #1: they are actually Knicks fans and know that getting KG would change everything and make us instant contenders. #2: they are worried Zeke will pull this deal off and are afraid they will have to admit he's a good GM.

"Knicks tickets are too expensive."
Well, then keep your broke ass home. What do you want me to do about it? I mean, yeah they are expensive but so are those damn Red Monkey jeans y'all waste your damn money on.

"The Knicks will never be under the salary cap."
Why are fans so damn obsessed with this salary cap? If we were under the cap and sucked just as bad would that make you feel better? We might suck but at least it ain't because we're cheap.

"Are Isiah's teeth real?"
Yes, people do actually ask me this stupid ass question. Am I his dentist? Next person to ask me this question is going to need them a new set of teeth.

"The Knicks Suck!"
No shit! I might be loyal but I'm not fucking stupid! Telling me the Knicks suck is like telling a republican that George Bush is a horrible president. They know it but they're gonna ride with him regardless because they're fucking republicans. I'm a Knicks fan. Hey look, it says so in my name!

and my personal favorite comment:

"I used to be a Knicks fan, but now I follow the Nets."
Oh, go to hell, you unloyal piece of shit. You were never a Knicks fan if you switched teams! Nets fans aren't even Nets fans. What team cannot sell out seats to the damn NBA Finals?! And don't pitch me on that "Jay-Z owns them, they coming to BK" crap. I could care less. My name is Loyal-Knicks-Fan not Fairweather Knicks fan! Next time you have a dumb question, go Google that shit and leave me alone.

As always, comments, questions (other than the ones above) and death threats should be directed to inzekewetrust@hotmail.com or talent@fiyastarter.com. Till next week, bitches.