FIYA NFL Rankings
**Week 1** |
Rank |
Team |
FIYA Analysis |
1 |
Steelers
 |
Ranking the first two weeks of the NFL season is like getting blindfolded and being handed a big ass club; you can either come out looking like a winner with a jawful of Mexican penny candy or you can veer to the left, fuck up somebody's grandmother and look like an asshole and/or loser. With the exception of picking the world champs as favorites, the rest of the NFL is pretty much a piņata of picks for any prognosticator. Please believe. |
2 |
Bears
 |
When Deion Sanders put his FSU loyalty aside, last year because he saw something special in a *gasp* player from "Tha U," and mentored the kid, I said to myself, "Either this kid is the next coming of Mel Gray or Prime's fulla shit-self is just angling to get some pub." Now, Devin Hester may not be Mel just yet, but he is entertaining, and Prime...well, he tried to sell a Hot Dog Rotisserie machine, so you figure it out. |
3 |
Bengals
 |
|
4 |
Colts
 |
Things are alright for now, but if Indy continues to run for a total of 55 yards per game, Peyton is going to fold even before January...you know the time of year he usually folds? |
5 |
Patriots
 |
I woulda dropped them, but they showed heart by coming back against the Bills. The ugliest backfield in football put in much work too. |
6 |
Falcons
 |
Who's more underappreciated for their output on their team, Warrick Dunn or Tiki Barber? You are correct, the answer is Michael Vick. |
7 |
Ravens
 |
They can't be that good. Let's wait another week to scare Steelers fans. |
8 |
Eagles
 |
The Anti T.O., huh? Cute...the first time I heard it. I know the white guy who thought this up is fucking-A proud of himself. Congrats Zach. |
9 |
Seahawks
 |
In the wackest game of opening weekend, Seattle beat Detroit 9-6. The NFL Network had a harder time trying to put together a package for this game than the nigga with the midget arm that works in wrapping at Macy's. |
10 |
Chargers
 |
Shawne Merriman is going to kill someone on a football field. Football fans, check your team's schedule after you finish reading this to see if a player from your favorite franchise is in danger of losing his life. |
11 |
Jaguars
 |
LMAO, Fred Taylor still has that gold tooth. He be smilin to show it off too. Hahahaha, that nigga is country. You gotta love it. |
12 |
Panthers
 |
With Steve Smith, the Carolina Panthers are Gabrielle Union in a Porsche. Without him, they're Sheryl Underwood in a sanitation truck. |
13 |
Broncos
 |
I like Jake Plummer and I even bought a Jay Cutler jersey, this week. It's not looking good, Snake. |
14 |
Vikings
 |
I'm glad Minnesota beat the Skins, last Monday. If they hadn't I fear, Troy Williamson would have turned into the football Nick Anderson with all the big drops he had. |
15 |
Giants
 |
New York's defense fumbled more picks last Sunday against the Colts, than Haywood Nelson during the first season of What's Happening! Seriously, they need to hold on to the ball. |
16 |
Cowboys
 |
Drew Bledsoe. What, you thought he would change? T.O. looms. |
17 |
Rams
 |
Anybody have some crazy glue? Jeff Wilkins' leg just fell off and the Rams need it back in place for him to kick another 15 FGs, next weekend. |
18 |
Dolphins
 |
A lot of people seem to be down on Dante Culpepper because of his two pick performance against the world champs in the season opener, but besides those two lousy passes, he was actually having a decent night. Also, considering his knee looked like a large side of KFC coleslaw just a few months ago, I'll give him a longer leash. |
19 |
Cardinals
 |
Zona's offense looks great, as expected, but I'm having a hard time looking past that defense, which gave up 27 points to a team employing a QB with hands smaller than Kwame Brown's. |
20 |
Redskins
 |
While Washington's offense wasn't vanilla, it wasn't exactly Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia either...in other news, Sean Taylor is now a marked man by the zebras. The young man may be in for a rocky road with the officials this season. |
21 |
Buccaneers
 |
Well, the offense looked like booty, but they do that from time to time; my question is what in the hell happened to Tampa's defense? They made Steve McNair look like Dr. Death Steve Williams fukkin some jobber up in '87. |
22 |
Lions
 |
Look on the bright side, Lions fan, Kitna didn't throw a pick and give away the game. He's already the best QB in D-Town since Scott Mitchell. |
23 |
Chiefs
 |
It's really too bad what happened to Trent Green. I'm glad to see the support he's garnered amongst his peers after the hit that almost left him Corky-like for life. Even The King had a nice gesture for #10. |
24 |
Jets
 |
I won't hate, but I'll just say it was against Tennessee and I'll wait for him to do that again. If he does, I'll be more than happy to congratulate him and his diorama of an arm. |
25 |
Saints
 |
Why don't the Lions just trade whatever they have to, to New Orleans for Reggie Bush, so we can get to watch this guy on Thanksgiving? My family and I miss watching Barry Sanders in between fried turkey and sweet potato pie. |
26 |
Bills
 |
What a damn waste of Takeo's big hit on Brady. Buffalo really let one slide through their fingers. |
27 |
49ers
 |
With Vernon Davis, the Niners look like they have an elite caliber TE. Of course every team seems like they have one. God must be giving them out with free checking accounts, this decade. If your team doesn't have one, tell them to pray on it. |
28 |
Browns
 |
Cleveland's ground game looks horrible. They're not good enough to get away with just passing the ball either, so until they find a way to run the ball, Big Romeo's offense will end up like Master P and his brothers Silk and C-Murder: Not working. |
29 |
Texans
 |
Eric Moulds and Andre Johnson looked like a good pair of receivers. Something seems to be missing though. Oh yeah, REGGIE FUCKING BUSH, THE GUY THEY SHOULD'A DRAFTED! |
30 |
Titans
 |
Last week, I stated that I was thinking about leaving the Titans off the Rankings because the team is not interesting. I would like to apologize...to the FiyaStarter formatting staff. That would really screw things up for you guys. So, instead of leaving the Titans off, until they do something worth talking about, I will fill in their space with, "Arson's Fiya Observation Of The Week." This week's observation:
Have you ever seen Tom Cruise and John Travolta in the same place at the same time? I'm not 100% certain, but I have a hunch that these wildly successful gay men with children may be the same person. See you, next week. |
31 |
Raiders
 |
The Raiders did such a horrible job pass protecting for Aaron Brooks, David Carr was seen at a local Houston bar on Monday night yelling, "Cotdamn! Can these niggas protect the QB?!" |
32 |
Packers
 |
You think Koren Rob drank before he had to deal with the gun slinging pick thrower. Somebody get his detox cell ready, NOW. |
