FIYA NFL Rankings
**SEASON PREVIEW** |
Rank |
Team |
FIYA Analysis |
1 |
Steelers
 |
To be honest with you, Pittsburgh probably won it a year earlier than they "should have," so whenever unbreakable Ben gets released from his latest hospital visit, he'll return to a team that is better than the one he took to the Super Bowl, last year. They lost Randle El, but if Santonio Holmes can step in and be the big physical receiver the Steelers lost when Plaxico Burress left town, they won't miss go-go gadget man, that much. |
2 |
Panthers
 |
If Carolina can keep either Foster or Williams healthy, how can you not have them as favorites in the NFC? Oh yeah, you hate Keyshawn. Well, you need to let that shit go. |
3 |
Seahawks
 |
For the record, I think the Seahawks are set to fall the fuck off. Not as far off as Prodigy's lyrics, but fall nonetheless. I don't really have any proof other than Shawn Alexander being on the cover of Madden, so they'll stay here, but don't say I didn't feel it coming. |
4 |
Patriots
 |
Lawrence Maroney is uglier than Corey Dillon, but more importantly, he's a better fit in the New England backfield, which was the only questionable portion of their offense, last season. Whether Deion Branch comes back or not doesn't much matter. Tom Brady is reaching that Brett Favre late 90's zone, where he can take anybody from Antonio Freeman to spotty ass Morgan Freeman and make them look damn near elite.
*
Favre can't do this anymore, by the way. He's finished. See #32. |
5 |
Bears
 |
The way I see it, Chicago's defense is going to be just as good if not better than they were a year ago and that terrible offense can only get better, so they should be in just about the same position heading into the post season. Lovie damn sure better hope so. |
6 |
Colts
 |
At some point a team's window begins to close. Marvin Harrison and Padding Manning aside, there's something about the rest of the Indy offense that just doesn't sit well with me.I can't tell you exactly what it is right now, but in some way, I believe they've lost their edge. |
7 |
Broncos
 |
Have you ever been in a situation where you had a muhfucka scheming to take something from you; be it your job, girlfriend, leftovers in the fridge or whatever and you found yourself constantly looking over your shoulder because you knew this muhfucka was just waiting to fuck your chick on your desk ten minutes after he ate your rigatoni? Well, now you know what a starting QB in the NFL feels like.
In other news, Jake Plummer's brawd was spotted at Broncos practice with a Jay Cutler jersey on. |
8 |
Bengals
 |
My namesake Carson Palmer has looked like he was in midseason form during the preseason. Too bad Cinci's defense hasn't gotten much better.
In an unrelated matter, how long do you think it'll be before the same media that loves Chad Johnson now will turn him into T.O. when he yells at his coach or quarterback? |
| |
*In all honesty, the next four teams could be easily interchanged. The division is that damn good. Truth be told, the team that makes it out alive will probably collapse the first week of the playoffs due to NFC-East exhaustion. |
9 |
Giants
 |
The Giants are coming off a great season and a terrible playoff loss at the hands of Steve Smith. Because of Smith they went out and revamped their secondary adding Sam Madison and Will Demps among others. Throw in Lavar Arrington and New York is now better equipped to not lose to one fucking man. |
10 |
Redskins
 |
So, just the other day, I asked this Redskins fan if he noticed how much Jason Campbell favored Lionel Richie and he told me to "cut it out." Funny, but that's the same response I've had this entire preseason when Redskins apologists have used that "We're only showing 2% of vanilla" excuse for their team's lack of any friggin continuity. |
11 |
Cowboys
 |
Tuna has lost the battle of the bulge, clearly, but he will be the victor in this eventual war with T.O. The way Glenn has looked, they may not even miss Owens that much. Well, that's a lie, but the Cowboys should still be a good team. |
12 |
Eagles
 |
It seems like when Philadelphia added Donte' Stallworth, 95% of the population woke up and realized what us people with brains have known for quite some time; the Eagles are back in business. |
13 |
Dolphins
 |
Ronnie Brown's health will determine this team's fate. Well, maybe not, but it will sure make Pep happy, since he hasn't had a dependable running back since Robert Smith decided to retire his bad haircut from tackle football on Sundays. Their secondary kind of concerns me too. Are they still intimidating? I don't know. |
14 |
Buccaneers
 |
Tampa Bay's biggest priority seemed to be its offensive line, which I'm sure, made Chris Simms happy. But, how happy will he be when he finds out that defense is pulling a Dick Clark and finally starting to get old. |
15 |
Falcons
 |
This is it, Mora has one goal this season: find a way to keep Mike Vick from turning into the next Kordell Stewart, ya know minus all the cocksucking and other gay stuff. He has a speedy receiver now in Lelie, so there are no more excuses. I believe Vick will be moderately successful, (he will never reach his potential in that offense) but the defense is damn good and so he'll have that much needed crutch at times. |
16 |
Jaguars
 |
Goddamn, they were 12-4, last year. No way in hell, they match that, this year. Especially without coked out Jimmy. Their passing game may be more diverse, but not better. Also with the injury to Greg Jones and no one of note behind the aging and often banged up Fred Taylor, I'm sure that just makes Byron's limbs feel fantastic with every snap. |
17 |
Chargers
 |
How happy must Ladanian be to see a young quarterback he helped become good, just up and leave, only to be left with a guy in Rivers, that hasn't taken a meaningful snap NC State played FSU four years ago. You guessed it, he's happy enough to want to spit in Marty's face. |
18 |
Chiefs
 |
"Can Larry Johnson gain 8,000 rushing this year, even without Willie Roaf?" That seems to be the type of question that has accompanied the Chiefs in the off season, when in fact, the question should have been, "Will this defense ever be able to stop anyone?" or "How fucking old are those receivers?" Or "Do you think Trent Green has a career in politics after football, I mean doesn't he looks like a senator, already?" |
19 |
Ravens
 |
Four years ago, Baltimore's current roster with the addition of Steve McNair would have made them Suge Knight to the rest of the AFC's Danny Boy, but as it turns out today in 2006, they are Suge Knight and most of the AFC resembles persons not bankrupt or in jail. |
20 |
Cardinals
 |
The makeup of this team is a videogamer's dream, but so were the Lions, last year. I say that to say this, Warner/Leinart, Fitzgeezy, Boldin and Edge are not Harrington, Williams and other niggas who got cut or are about to get cut. This team will most likely finish higher, but they have to prove they can mesh first. That's where coach Denny comes in. If he doesn't work it out, he'll be eating his barbeque at home, next year. |
21 |
Rams
 |
They have no defense, whatsoever. Too bad Torry Holt has to deal with that shit, but he already has a ring, so he gets no pity party here. It's really time for Stephen Jackson to step up and perform like an elite back too. He has all the tools, now it's time to show and prove. |
22 |
Lions
 |
Detroit finally didn't draft a receiver in the first round they will most likely cut within three years, so that's a start. They instead used the pick on LB, Ernie Sims, then dumped Joey Harrington for Jon Kitna and had an overall decent off season. Pretty good, but all the teabags in China can't be dipped in one night, so...ugh, I massacred that line didn't I? |
23 |
Browns
 |
Willie McGinest playing for the Browns is like Derrick Jeter playing for the Royals; what's the fuckin point? Actually the Browns aren't that bad, but my point is Willie is a playoff performer and as much progress as the Browns have made and will make this season, depending on Winslow and Edwards meshing with Charlie Frye, their asses aren't going to the playoffs. |
24 |
Raiders
 |
Aaron Brooks will be just fine, but whenever he makes a mistake people will point to him instead of that defense which was horrible last year and will be just as terrible again this season. It's the Raiders though, so what else is new? Oh yeah, Art Shell. Whatever. |
25 |
Vikings
 |
So, now the defense is strong and the offense is suspect. If Minnesota didn't birth Prince, I would be tempted to say God hated this city. |
26 |
Saints
 |
Best backfield in football since Walter Payton and Neal Anderson; worst team in New Orleans since FEMA, last year about this time. |
27 |
Texans
 |
Hold fast, lemme get this straight, they don't draft Reggie Bush because they "have a running back" and that nigga is done before the season starts? Well, goddamn, I'm not into the stars and all that shit, but damn if this don't look like a bitch slap from fate. |
28 |
Titans
 |
Until Vince gets a chance to play, I'm thinking about leaving this team off the rankings. I mean, who gives two shits about some damn Titans? Really. |
29 |
Jets
 |
Just think, if number 28 wasn't washed up and on the shelf, the Jets would have trotted out on the field against Tennessee (whoopie) with a Mangini and a Mangina on opening day. |
30 |
Bills
 |
Marv Levy is old as shit. Only reason he took this job was because his Alzheimer's started kicking in and he thought it was 1990. "We've got this new gadget offense that doesn't use a huddle. We're gonna call it the 'no huddle offense.' No one will catch on to it for at least two years. We'll go to the next four Super Bowls with it. We're bound to win one. Go team!"
Unofficial word is Marv's contract has a one year out team option. |
31 |
49ers
 |
When 'Frisco traded Brandon Lloyd to the Redskins for a bag of marbles and a pint of Christian Brothers Brandy, it showed just how competitive they planned on being this season. |
32 |
Packers
 |
Yes, last. And Javon Walker (a Bronco, now) will be laughing more at Brett Favre, on a weekly basis than you after reading this here NFL FIYA. Arson is in the house and in this case it's a good thing. Welcome back bitches. |
