FIYA NFL Rankings
**SEASON PREVIEW** |
Rank |
Team |
FIYA Analysis |
1 |
Patriots
 |
Beli and the boys had me at the Adalius Thomas move, but with the offensive additions of Welker, Stallworth and that Moss guy, I look for Tom Brady to challenge for that elusive MVP Award...well, the regular season one. |
2 |
Chargers
 |
Marty may have been a choker, but he was also a leader. Norval is not. He is a crater-faced timid offensive coordinator on his third moonlighting stint as an NFL head coach. Even still, this team can't keep on underachieving forever...can they? |
3 |
Broncos
 |
Cutler. It all comes down to the kid. Bly will have a harder time than many may think, just because he's the more questionable of the two corners and will receive the bulk of attention from opposing QB's. I mean, they have to throw it somewhere. But yeah, Cutler can't fuck up too much. |
4 |
Colts
 |
|
5 |
Saints
 |
Provided they can learn how to stop the run a little better, I have New Orleans going to the Super Bowl. I know, I know, sounds like a tall order, but that offense will do nothing but get better and aside from the Panthers, they play in a cakewalk of a division. |
6 |
Bears
 |
When Lovie's sustaining loyalty for Rex Grossman raises the number of firearm purchases in the state of Illinois, don't send the Feds to my house because I mentioned it back in September. |
7 |
Bengals
 |
I'm sure Chad will be entertaining and they'll score a lot of points, but what's up with the defense, Marvin? C'mon, this is getting Rams like. |
8 |
Eagles
 |
This is McNabb's last stand. What a hell of a way to go when your best receiver on an already lackluster group, just rolled out of town. If Jeffrey Lurie cuts McNabb next year, based on this and replaces him with Kolb, then gets a top tier wideout, Donovan is going back to Chicago and purchasing a gun, himself. |
9 |
Panthers
 |
Welp, it's an odd year, which means they should be good, right? You can mark it down like Curacao getting to a medal round in the Little League World Series. How old is Jake Delhomme. This dude used to back up Aaron Brooks for the Saints on that Madden that had the last good juke move. That was a long time ago. |
10 |
Cowboys
 |
The second season of T.O. on your team is like the third month of a relationship with an attractive, but repulsive moron; at some point, probably dinner at a nice restaurant, you're propelled to curse their asses out because they've once again ordered the chicken fingers...I mean who wouldn't be mad at a dumb fuck for ordering chicken fingers at Ruth Chris'? Just upsetting. |
11 |
Seahawks
 |
We all know about the Madden Curse, but has anyone ever done a study about players post-curse. I'm curious to see what they do in the seasons that follow. Even if the said athlete is still snake bitten maybe Alexander gets off because he loves Jesus so much. |
12 |
Jaguars
 |
Call me Vincent Craig, or "Loco" from the critically acclaimed South Central , but I think Jacksonville will have a great season. The defense is solid and despite how unimpressive the offense has looked in the preseason, that running game has the potential to take all the pressure off the newly inserted Garrard. Timeless Fred, Mo-Three-Names and a returning Greg Jones are gonna kick some asses. |
13 |
Steelers
 |
Rejuvenation is the name of the game in the steel city. Starting with the brother-man coach through bike-less Ben, the Steelers have the potential to be the most surprising team that, when they succeed, people will remark, "Well, are you really surprised?" team in the league. Reread it, it makes sense. |
14 |
Ravens
 |
Despite the addition of Willis McGahee, this offense is more disappointing than Kimora Lee's ass. |
15 |
Giants
 |
The Giants are near the middle of the pack because their season can honestly go either way. The surprisingly good offensive line play and shaky kicking game in the preseason only reinforces that. Ultimately though, it's the same story with these guys, will Eli step up and will the secondary get its act together. |
16 |
49ers
 |
Their two stars names are Frank and Vernon. I dare you to find me two blacker star names on a team. Goddamn, it's the Vernon that drives it home, because every hood has a nigga named Vernon that used to sell weed. |
17 |
Cardinals
 |
Back in the late 80's, the Seahawks were the team that I remember all the "experts" picked every year to turn the corner and be good. I never understood how a team could confuse you that much if you watched football.until now. |
18 |
Jets
 |
Can Thomas Jones hold up? Will Coles stop crying? Will any of that matter because the Jets aren't playing a 32nd place schedule? The answer is NO. |
19 |
Chiefs
 |
Brodie Croyle sounds like a character in one of Kevin Costner's 200 wack cowboy flicks. Damon Huard sounds like a career back-up slowing down Costner's latest film. Just gimme a tape of the Herm post game presser. |
20 |
Rams
 |
They grabbed a few, but they should have used every single pick on defensive linemen. Their D-Line looked like the chaos that ensues the running of the bulls, last year. |
21 |
Lions
 |
Don't get me wrong, Millen shoulda been fired, but not for drafting CJ. As a matter of fact, when Johnson gets out of the gates like a spry Smarty Jones (remember that glue stick?) he will probably buy fat Matt another year in Industrial dump city. |
22 |
Redskins
 |
What do Jason Campbell and Tony Romo have in common besides playing for two storied franchises? Yup, the league now has film on them both. |
23 |
Texans
 |
Don't you just hate young "solid" teams? I know I do. Especially on Monday mornings when I'm filling in that NFL pick sheet. "No way in Graceland these niggas are gonna beat the Colts." |
24 |
Vikings
 |
Surprise white people, a new black QB is in town to make you mad, and he has a running back to help him out. Cry to Todd Bouman, you bitches. (NOPE, I remember) |
25 |
Buccaneers
 |
Jeff Garcia is the greatest thing to happen to average talent since LeBron James in the 2006 playoffs. Unfortunately, this defense is beginning to breakdown and no one stands out as a star. |
26 |
Bills
 |
I cannot believe they are still giving Loseman a chance. Believing in this guy is like having blind faith purchasing a Louie bag on Ebay. It may look nice when you pull it out of that box, but as soon as you put your hand in the supposed smooth interior, the "cush-cush-cush" sounds of every stroke make you realize you've been fuckin' taken. |
27 |
Browns
 |
We'll see what Brady Quinn can do with the first team offense against first team defenses without a running game. Personally, I see nothing but tragedy for Romeo and his plays on Sundays. |
28 |
Falcons
 |
Think they'd like to take a mulligan on that Schuab trade? It doesn't matter, because they can't. Wouldn't it be wild if Joey Harrington reached the potential somebody said he once had in Atlanta? Wouldn't it!? Yeah, I've been drinking today. Get Leftwich, ATL. |
29 |
Raiders
 |
Pep is going to have a great season. All the stars point to it. He's coming back off an injury in the second year of rehab and he looks hun---oh God, he plays for the Raiders? Can I have a mulligan? |
30 |
Packers
 |
Favre's continuing bitchery every off-season is going to have a Michael Jordan effect on the Aaron Rodgers. While Bret continues his antics, there will be no way to see if Rodgers is really Gilbert Arenas or Pete Myers. |
31 |
Titans
 |
How come the Titans didn't draft a receiver high? Do you think Vince did all that dancing around, last season, because he likes it better than throwing to an open receiver? You do? Well, you're either the village idiot or the Titans GM. |
32 |
Dolphins
 |
I just got back from South Beach where I ran into DJ Khalid at Opium, where he was doing promo for his latest album. His set was an total disaster as he absolutely could not curve his lips to say "We The Best" with that Dolphins jersey on. |
