|
FIYA
NFL Rankings
**SEASON PREVIEW**
|
Rank |
Team |
FIYA
Analysis |
| 1 |
Patriots
 |
Look,
until they lose they are the best. The losses of Law & the
Teddy's will most likely hurt, but I'm not looking dumb going
against Luke (Brady), Yoda (Belly), Chewy (Dillon) and The
Force (the rest of the team). |
| 2 |
Vikings
 |
Pepper
Time, all year, y'all. If he didn't fumble like the 40
Year-Old Virgin in front of willing trim, Pep would be
the greatest QB of all-time, already. If Williamson and the
defense even show up for half of their games, those fumbles
might not even matter. |
| 3 |
Eagles
 |
It's
up to Nabb & T.O. aka "Kobe & Shaq of the Pigskin."
If they act right, they'll have a chance to go to another
Super Bowl and lose. If not, they'll just lose earlier and
have more media surround this tense relationship more than media
day at the friggin show. |
| 4 |
Colts
 |
The
Corey Simon pick up is huge. Marlon Jackson of the famed Jackson
Five will help the secondary. All they have to do after that
is pray they don't play the Pats in January. I know Peyton's
choking, Brady-owned ass will. |
| 5 |
Ravens
|
Probaby
too high for a team with sorry ass Kyle Boller starting, but
damn that defense is good. And damn if Billick leaves Boller
as the starter if he pisses away more than two of the first
five games, right? Well, if he does, Ray gonna get a knife
with matching limo and have both of them killed anyway, so
it's up to you, Brian. |
| 6 |
Panthers
|
I
don't believe in Jake Delhomme. Sorry, but I don't think he's
that good. He's got that Rich Gannon, "yeah, right, you're
due to tank any minute now" quality to him. I do, however,
believe in Julius Peppers and John Fox's belief that defense
and a good running game can take you far in this league. |
| 7 |
Steelers
|
Everyone
is waiting for Big Ben to fuck up this year. He probably will,
but it won't be that big of a deal if the defense and the
running game stand firm. That will deflect all criticism from
the kid like Wonder Woman's bangles. Now if those RB's can't
stay healthy, everybody gonna just be looking at that boy
like he's worthless...like Aquaman. |
| 8 |
Falcons
|
Will
Roddy White be what Peerless Price should've been in Atlanta;
good or what he was; horrible? Alias Ron is one big weapon
away from going to the big game. If a defense has to prepare
for anyone else Mike will have a longer lane to run through
than a toll booth to Mexico. |
| 9 |
Chargers
|
No
real holes on this team, but the QB position still looks a
little funny like tuna after it done sat for two days. |
| 10 |
Jaguars
|
Goddamn
that Matt Jones looks like he's gonna be good. Just let Fred
Taylor's rubbery ass knee hold up a little longer and Jacksonville
may end up being the best team outside of New England in the
AFC. |
| 11 |
Rams
|
Offense
is still good. Damn shame they only have one title to show
for it. It's also too bad their Coach is as stubborn as a
senior citizen who thinks their hip is good enough to walk
down three flights of steps the day after an ice storm. |
| 12 |
Bills
|
Know
how good of defensive coach Gregg Williams is? He's so good
that two years after he's left the Bills, I'm still picking
them to be this good despite starting a QB who hasn't had
more reps with the first team than that dude who was The
Bachelor last year. |
| 13 |
Seahawks
|
Oh
lord. These mofo's look good on paper every year and something
always goes wrong.and I still pick them. They're like the
Halle Berry's of the NFL. What's wrong with you bitches?!
Last season, they couldn't catch the ball! Great, what will
they think of this year? |
| 14 |
Broncos
|
Yeah,
Jake Plummer is an ass-grabbing, big game-tanker, but just
because Ron Dayne will run for 2400 yards behind that offensive
line this year, you've gotta respect this team. |
| 15 |
Jets
|
I
know the Jets below the Bills looks odd, but until they make
a big kick, I'm leaving them here. That foolishness last winter
looked like the end of FSU-Miami games circa 1908-2004. |
| 16 |
Chiefs
|
Do
you know what a whole lotta offense and no damn secondary
does for you? Nothing, but it makes Peyton Manning look like
George Burns starring as God every January. |
| 17 |
Cardinals
|
Guess
what about everyone's "potential" surprise team?
It's my "potential" surprise team, too. Sad part
is they could really be good if Kurt Warner's contract with
George Burns starring as the Devil hadn't expired a couple
years ago. |
| 18 |
Cowboys
|
The
two rookie defensive ends could be [lazy ass] MONSTAH'S
[/dylan] or they could be Shante Carvers. Doesn't really
matter. What does matter is if Julius Jones can keep opposing
defenses honest enough to not rush Drew Bleedsomuch every
down and finish killing him. *read L. Arrington* |
| 19 |
Bengals
|
Carson
Palmer finished strong last year putting up big numbers against,
among other teams, the Ravens. That was impressive. It would
be more impressive if he didn't look like he regressed in
the preseason. Chad Johnson is trying to be a star, he don't
have time for this shit, Carson. |
| 20 |
Packers
|
The
Pack will stay around in the playoff hunt...and Favre will
throw a big pick in a big game.and John Madden will say he's
having fun or something. You know the drill. |
| 21 |
Raiders
|
Kerry
Collins...
I guess I should explain for the few of you who just started
following football last night; unless the Raiders Quantum
Leap the '92 Redskins offensive line in to protect this guy,
he will wilt like a dandelion under any pressure.at all. He
is Kerry Collins! |
| 22 |
Browns
|
They'll
get their surprise win against Baltimore or Pittsburgh and
then continue being the Browns for the rest of the season.
Losing Winslow will hurt this offense, specifically Braylon
Edwards who's still trying to get that paint out of his hairline
from draft day. |
| 23 |
Giants
|
Offensive
line will make or break this team. If they're good, Eli will
survive and have two big targets to get the ball to in Plaxico
and Shockey; if they suck, Tiki will get hurt and Eli will
die a violent death on an NFL field. |
| 24 |
Buccaneers
|
Brian
Greise/Chris Simms have to prove they can stay healthy. If
they do, the Buccs can be a sleeper. The defense is solid
and although the offense has a couple new integral parts,
Gruden should be able to work out the kinks sooner than later.
I mean he is supposed to be a good Coach, right? |
| 25 |
Lions
|
Jesus,
Joey Harrington sucks. Where's Scott Mitchell...or Andre Ware...or
Eric Kramer...or Cosmo Kramer. Seriously, Matt & Mooch need
to stop kidding themselves and Cade McNown this guy, pronto. |
| 26 |
Titans
|
Alcorn
Steve got his ass kicked way too much last year, that can't
happen again. And this new offense they've got might have
worked in college, but Norman Chow is going to have to make
me a believer in the NFL. Remember his last superior, Pete
Carroll, was a disaster on this level. Pacman Jones is a top
five NFL name. Let's see if he can be a top DB. |
| 27 |
Redskins
|
Speaking
of Kyle Boller, were him and Patrick Ramsey separated at birth?
Or was it him and Harrington? Or all three? Anyway, if you're
a Skins fan, you know you've got a long season ahead of you
when Joe Gibbs is now using the friggin shotgun. That's like
Dexter Manley not using the crack. |
| 28 |
Texans
|
David
Carr is balanced on a big ass teeter-totter, right now. Nice
media guys call it "the cusp." Well, he's been there
for a few years now; to hell with a cusp. He needs to lead
Houston to something over a .500, this year; no excuses. I'm
serious, rockstar-hair needs to be good or join Whitesnake
and help them make another "Here I Go Again." |
| 29 |
Saints
|
That
team hates Aaron Brooks and they don't play hard for him.
Aside from that, it looks like they will have no home games
in Louisiana this year. It looks bad because it is. |
| 30 |
Dolphins
|
No
wonder QB's are so coveted in this league. If you don't have
a good one, you're pretty much guaranteed to suck. This is
a picture perfect example. When Ricky comes back from suspension,
the second he strings off a 12 yard run up the middle, they
better trade him for a QB immediately. |
| 31 |
Bears
|
What's
that you say, "Poor Rex Grossman" aka Unbreakable
Rex? Nah, it's more like poor Coach Lovie Smith. I mean, you
lose your starting QB two years in a row and your name is
Lovie. That has got to suck. Only good thing Da Bears got
going is that Kyle Orton is already better than Kyle Boller. |
| 32 |
49ers
|
Go
watch any superhero movie you have on DVD and skip to the
last scene where the hero makes his big comeback and wins
the battle. OK, now back that scene up to where he's getting
his ass kicked and you'll have an idea of what Alex Smith,
Tim Rattay or whoever they throw in there this year is in
for. He's gonna get hit with Klubber Lang uppercuts, Agent
Smith body punches and big ass Palpatine lightening bolts.
Too bad he has no Force or offensive line to combat
all those epic asskickings he's in for. |
