FIYA
NFL Rankings
**PLAYOFF PREVIEW EDITION** |
Rank |
Team |
FIYA
Analysis
|
|
|
Strength:
Offense, a lot of fire power.
Weakness:
Pey-tin Manning's big game demons. |
1 |
Colts
|
Black
leader returns and the universe is once again stabilized.look,
there's not much to analyze here -- if these guys don't win
it all it's Peyton's fault. I swear I will find everyone who
even thinks about blaming Dungy for Manning's tankability
in the big game and punch them until my knuckles are as bloody
as Bushwick Bill's. You think I'm playing? You try this Geto
Boy, motherfucker. |
|
|
Strength:
Shawn Alexander and his love for the endzone.
Weakness:
History, big play-money players. |
2 |
Seahawks
|
Something
about this team just doesn't sit well with me. I know; other
than Shawn Alexander, they're so well balanced they seem to
be void another player to step up when it's money time. Their
receivers aren't great and the defense looks solid, but doesn't
always play as well as you would think an elite team with
only one lethal weapon would. Good thing they play in the
NFC. |
|
|
Strength:
Offensive line.
Weakness:
Jake Plummer's history. |
3 |
Broncos
|
If
you're an offensive lineman and you don't play for Denver
or Kansas City, there's no way you deserve to go to the Pro
Bowl. Anyway, this is the true test of Jake Plummer. Arizona
fans, statewide, will be watching him throughout these playoffs
just waiting for him to morph back into himself. Mike Shanahan
doesn't care though; he finally got to the playoffs without
John Elway. Anything else is gravy on top of the steak fries
for him.
(whatchu know 'bout that?) |
|
|
Strength:
GOD DAMN THAT DEFENSE IS GOOD.
Weakness:
Duh, offense. |
4 |
Bears
|
The
defense is so good, they could have Burt Reynolds hair piece
starting at QB and still be favored to win their first game.
To win more than one game though, Thomas Jones is gonna have
to run often and hard. The hard part goes without saying.
The Bears field crew will need that bye week off to get the
surface ready for Violent Cleat Boy. |
|
|
Strength:
Tiki, D-Line bookends.
Weakness:
Will Allen & 'nem. |
5 |
Giants
|
I'm
convinced Plaxico Burress is Randy Moss' dufus twin brother.
Sorry, I'm thinking out loud.Oh, right the Giants. The
Gap & Osi must dominate. Their secondary shrinks like
George Costanza (no Karamo) at the site of an elite receiver
coming off the line. The only way they even have a chance
to offset this is if those bookends cause havoc and/or if
Tiki Barber runs like Tony Dorsett on Monday Night Football.
Good luck. |
|
|
Strength:
Well balanced offense.
Weakness:
Big game effectiveness and experience. |
6 |
Bengals
|
Here's
where Marvin Lewis can separate himself from Ray Rhodes and
'nem. His defense has to make some plays. Teams that haven't
won many big games need defense and special teams to help
them get over the hump. The offense will get theirs, but without
stops in the playoffs, the Colts have shown us you're nothing
more than the Pats' bitch. |
|
|
Strength:
Defense, leadership at the QB.
Weakness:
Running game and health of skill players. |
7 |
Jaguars
|
Brad
Johnson tanks down the stretch in relief and is revered. David
Garrard leads the Jags to playoffs in relief and gets ignored
like a 17 year-old foster child? Disgusting. Jacksonville's
running game is the key to their post season. Their backs
are banged up, but if they can squeeze 100 yards out of any
combination of these guys, their defense has the ability to
put the ball in the 'Wich's hands with the game on the line.
You're probably comfortable with that if you're a Jag fan. |
|
|
Strength:
Defense, non fuck up QB play.
Weakness:
Inconsistent running game, which increases
chance of a QB fuck up. |
8 |
Buccaneers
|
Chris
Simms don't be fucking up enough for them to lose. For an
above average football fan, that's a quality to appreciate.
For John Gruden, that's a fucking chance to get his second
ring. The defense is very good and the running game, which
can sputter, might be ready to break out. Tampa better hope
so. |
|
|
Strength:
Steve Smith, defense...sometimes.
Weakness:
Everyone else on offense not named Steve Smith. |
9 |
Panthers
|
This
team is Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde or your baby's mama when she
does and doesn't have her hands in your damn pockets (for
the 'hood inclined). I still don't buy into this depend on
DeShaun stuff, and that defense looks good on paper, but hell,
so did the Detroit offense going into September. Too many
lapses. |
|
|
Strength:
Running game, vertical passing game.
Weakness:
Defensive backfield. |
10 |
Redskins
|
Right
now, this Washington team is like Bruce
Lee after that bamma wipes off his shoe. They can either
kick your ass or get sent home in a box. Santana Moss and
Clinton 3000 are making defensive coordinators wake up in
the middle of the night with cold sweats. Their banged up
defensive backfield is their biggest concern. When the Skins
are depending on Sean Taylor to make good coverage judgements,
instead of being a heat seeking ball carrier device, that
concern becomes a larger problem than Mark Brunell's mobility. |
|
|
Strength:
Running game, defense.
Weakness:
Getting into shootouts, depending on passing game. |
11 |
Steelers
|
Willie
Parker is a nice story and all, but it's year two; the party
is over.this is it. Is Big Ben gonna be regular season Ben
or step up and be a Phil Simms type, in that even though he
doesn't put up monster numbers he can still win big games? |
|
|
Strength:
QB Tom Brady's leadership, championship intangibles.
Weakness:
Defensive backfield. |
12 |
Patriots
|
Unstable
as plutonium, but as dangerous, nonetheless. Tom Brady is
the best quarterback in the league since that Joe guy stopped
putting out Sports Talk video games for Sega.
Them leadership qualities can't be padded like Peyton Manning's
stats. But much like the Giants and Redskins, their defensive
backfield remains a question mark. Corey Dillon seems like
he has to earn every yard he gets, too. You never want your
running game looking like that this time of year. |
OH,
IF YOU'RE INTERESTED -- THE REST |
13 |
Chiefs
|
They
came close, but this ain't horseshoes. If Larry Johnson and
that line stay healthy next year, ROC boy might run for 2500
yards and throw that sign up enough times to make my head
explode. |
14 |
Dolphins
|
Two
running backs and a defense. I can't tell you how happy those
other six AFC teams are they don't have to face Sticky Ricky
and Boris Kodjoe. |
15 |
Cowboys
|
Alright,
if you're gonna keep Roy Williams, you can't keep and depend
on Terrance Newman to hold the secondary down in pass coverage.
It's that simple. |
16 |
Chargers
 |
How.did.they.not.make.the.playoffs?
Oh yeah, Martyball. |
17 |
Cardinals
|
When
this team gets a running back that can scrape out more than
1.58 yards a carry, look the fuck out. |
18 |
Vikings
|
I
sure hope Ziggy, the owner trades Pep. It would be a shame
for Daunte to have to buy his house back. He's been gone with
no intentions of returning back to that cold ass state for
sometime, you know? |
19 |
Rams
|
Mike
Martz was fired before the final gun sounded on the Rams season.
That's a start. Getting a black man named Lovie to come revamp
that defense again would be a perfect way to follow it up. |
20 |
Falcons
|
You
can believe all that "Vick has a great set of receivers
for the future" shit if you want. They still need a number
one. And furthermore, they need their defense from last year,
too. |
21 |
Bills
|
Are
they gonna keep Losman or what? I hate having one of those
young "maybe" quarterbacks. The last thing I would want is
a Gus Frerotte-Bubby Brister type dude leading my team into
averageness for the next four or five years. |
22 |
Browns
|
If
they can keep any receivers healthy, Romeo might not be fired,
like everyone else about this time next year. |
23 |
Ravens
|
Speaking
of getting fired, don't draft or trade for a QB and see where
your behind is next year, Brian. |
24 |
Eagles
|
You've
gotten by long enough with the effective Scrooge act, Mr.
Lurie. Spend some money before Donovan ends up as beat up
as Homer Simpson after a bout with Dederick Tatum.promoted
by one Lucious Sweet. |
25 |
Titans
|
Those
receivers are worse than the Eagles'.nuff said. Retire, Steve. |
26 |
Lions
 |
Since
they refuse to fire Millen, why don't they just go ahead and
hire Mike Tice as their head coach? I mean what's Barney Rubble
without Fred Flintstone by his side. |
27 |
Jets
|
When
Toni Braxton is quoted as saying it's time to give up because
you can't score, you know its time to retire, Curtis. |
28 |
49ers
|
I
can't believe they really tried to win. I'm befuddled and
troubled by it. |
29 |
Packers
|
He
better retire. I don't think I have much more material to
dog him with, next year. Now, Curtis Martin on the other hand. |
30 |
Raiders
 |
Kerry
Collins.
I told you. |
31 |
Saints
|
Aaron
Brooks = the Washington Mystics' Chamique Holdsclaw of the
NFL. His team hates him and everyone knows it. Trade him for
the good of humanity and his sanity, please. |
32 |
Texans
|
Reggie
Bush, well earned. He's the second greatest running back I've
ever seen in college, right behind Marshall Faulk (NOOOOPE).
Having said that, Reggie cannot save this team by himself.
That offensive line needs more work than the levee structure
in New Orleans. There's a 50/50 chance he will quit football
after the first month of the season if they don't improve
that line. |
