The Make Bill Simmons Mad Watch
by: Linwood Jenkins, for Sports

I think the title says it all. The purpose of this feature is to criticize Larry Bird, Danny Ainge and Kevin McHale with the same ferocity that Simmons continues to go after Isiah Thomas with. Hopefully, we can piss off his fans enough that they'll force him to respond. That's about it. Enjoy.

Larry Bird: The Man

"Corrie Bird would like to attend the Hall of Fame induction ceremonies for her famous father.
But she probably won’t see Larry Bird honored Friday at Springfield, Mass., at least not in person.
‘‘If I went, I would want to go with my dad,’’ explained the senior majoring in elementary education at Indiana State University, the same place where Larry set dozens of basketball records in the late 1970s.
‘‘And I don’t think that’s going to happen. I think it would be neat, but . . .’’
Corrie, 21, isn’t expecting an invitation of the verbal or written variety from her father anytime soon."

source: http://specials.tribstar.com/bird/corrie.htm
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And that's all you need to know about what kind of person Larry Bird is (yeah, it's all you need to know, but we still have more). He divorced his wife, Janet, but somehow convinced her to have sex with his ugly ass again, and then he knocked her up. Corrie Bird was born in 1977. She's undoubtedly seen her father's signature via child-support checks more than she has seen his ugly ass.

Larry Bird: The Player

1974--Bird quits at Indiana University in less than a month. Word is that he wasn't man enough to deal with Bobby Knight, so he quit. You know who was man enough to deal with Bobby Knight and win national title as a teenager? Isiah Fucking Thomas. Better!

1975-1979--Put up meaningless stats at Indiana State and lost to Magic Johnson in the NCAA title game, which would become his legacy.

1979-1992--He loses to Magic Johnson more times than Magic loses to his ugly ass. He retires because his back is fucked up...and he's ugly.

Larry Bird: The GM

Best Move:

• Lied to Jermaine O'Neal, telling him that he would retain Isiah Thomas as head coach if J.O. signed an extension with the Pacers. J.O. re-signed. Bird fired Isiah days later.

"After being upset by Boston in the first round of the playoffs, O’Neal headed into the off-season as a free-agent. He wanted to remain with his head coach, Isiah Thomas, with whom he had become extremely close. However, with Larry Bird taking over, rumors of a coaching change ran rampant. Bird slyly did not fire Thomas right away, leading O’Neal to re-sign with the Pacers for seven years. Less than a month later, Bird replaced Thomas with Rick Carlisle and O’Neal had been duped again." 

O'Neal later claimed he would have signed with the San Antonio Spurs had he known Thomas would be fired.

Source: http://www.fullsportpress.com/artman/publish/article_552.shtml
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And this is the man so many fat-assed middle-aged white guys call Basketball Jesus? He's a piece of shit, you morons. I hope you're all reading this and crying. Jermaine O'Neal could be a Spur right now. But his destiny was stolen from him by an asshole liar. You think that's okay? If so, you're just like him. You hate your kids and you lie all the damn time.

Too bad, J.O. You would have a couple of rings, if not for that chicken-lipped liar.

Worst MoveS:

• Traded Brad Miller for Scott Pollard. Yes, Scott Pollard.
• Drafted David Harrison big soft-afraid-of-contact ass.
• Drafted Danny Granger, who some thought was a steal (as if other GMs didn't know about him).
• Gave a 30 year-old Euro PG WITH BAD KNEES 4 million a year to play matador D and shoot jump shots that we all know will not fall in the playoffs.
• Yet, his worst move was not trading Ron Artest immediately after last season. Now, he's gonna have to take a bad deal just to get rid of him. Great foresight as always, Larry.

Other Ex-Celtic General Managers

Danny Ainge : The GM

Best Move:

• Traded for Antoine Walker, who he traded the year before, in the middle of the season just to secure a playoff spot and give the appearance that he's doing a good job.

Worst MoveS:

• Drafted an earthbound teenage bigman when Paul Pierce was 26 year-old.
• Drafted an earthbound teenage bigman when Paul Pierce was 27 years-old.
• Drafted an unpolished teenage swingman totally lacking fundamentals (and a set of normal digits) when Paul Pierce was 28 years-old.

Kevin McHale : The GM

Best Move:

• Secured the most unique talent the game has ever seen, Kevin Garnett, with a massive contract.

Worst Move:

• The Joe Smith fiasco. First off, what the hell was Joe Smith even doing on that team? He and Garnett play the same position. Then, in the biggest fuck-up in history, McHale tries to sign Joe Fucking Smith under the table, violating the Collective Bargaining Agreement. His dumb Frankenstein ass got caught, costing the T-Wolves five years worth of first-round draft picks. GOOD! I don't care if Isiah signs Daryl Strawberry to play shooting guard for 6 million a year, it cannot top what McHale has done to Kevin Garnett's career. I know it. You knowit. Simmons' pasty ass knows it, which is why he'll never write a column about it.