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the corner and get a blow job.”
-Charles Barkley
Drunk ass political hopeful.

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Miss the only show worth watching on your favorite sports network not ending in Center or Interruption? Don’t fret, THEM ‘FORMERS got that info. and a Fiya anaylsis, of course.

Venus Does England...again - 7/3/05

THE PANEL
Mike Lupica
Bob Ryan
Bill Rhoden
Dan LeBetard

*Note
Since the passing of Ralph Wiley aka Sports Disciple, this program has largely missed a certain Fiya. Bill Rhoden can only do so much, when he's there. We thought long and hard and we’ve decided to officially start the Scoop Jackson watch. He works up this piece now, no excuses. Hell, we’d take Screamin A. Smith, but we already see him 12 hours a week.

**Scoop Watch: Week 10**

• Issue 1: Was 20 games too much or too little for big chin Kenny Rogers?

This week’s show started off with what should have been a bombshell of a story this week, but turned out being a fourth of July kid-safe firecracker; Kenny Rogers and his total meltdown and abuse of a television camera man before a Rangers game. Rhoden jumped in right away and told the three white guys on the panel that super chin should have gotten at least a month. A black man would have been kicked out of the league and forced to move in with Craig Hodges and Chris Jackson in their sports purgatory townhouse. Whilst Ryan and LeBetard were scared enough to not fuck with Bill on this, Lupica came back with the horrible excuse that Rogers’ tirade stemmed from him not getting a new contract from Texas yet...
Where the fuck is John Saunders?

• Issue 2: Boston’s Keith Foulke was unhittible last fall. He's not even close now, why?

“Um, his arm is a rag right now.” - Ryan
*looks at Dan*

“Um, Mariano struggled earlier this year and now its Foulke’s turn.” - LeBetard
*looks at Bill*

“Man, nobody care about that shit, I want to finish talking about
Rogers’ roid rage.” - Rhoden Dogg

*Bob and Dan look at Mike, while Bill is mumbling obscenities*

“Well guys, I’m with Bill on this one. I’m from New York;
I don’t want to talk about baseball.” - Lupica

• Issue 3: VENUS!

“Ahhh Haaaaa! Y’all thought she was gonna break after pudgy Lindsey stalled that match. The Asiatic black woman was not to be denied. Not in England. She owns that mofo and y’all are mad, ahhhhhhahahahaha.” – Rhoden Dogg

*Bob and Dan look on in horror*

“Ha ha, yeah you got this one, Bill. I must admit that when she came back from facing match point it showed she does indeed care about her career. For a woman that’s supposed to be having a disappointing career, she’s now up to five grand slams… pretty good.” – Lupica

*Rhoden looks on in horror*

• Issue 4: NBA Draft. Would this 19-years-old rule be in effect if Lebron was coming out next year?

Just when Rhoden was calming down a bit... Bill sternly asked how the same NBA which was recently suffering from Jordan hangover, could shun high school players away when they make up half of the most popular players in the league. Popular meaning moneymaking. Ryan doesn’t feel sorry for the kids. Why am I not surprised? He’s in the minority here, because Lupica and LeBetard both agree with Rhoden Dogg. And so they should. He is right. Lebron alone is generating enough money to pay the Clippers roster and these guys are model citizens (no Kobe).

• Issue 5: Speaking of Lebron, he needs help. Will the Cav’s get to the playoffs, this decade?

*panel laughs uncontrollably*

• Issue 6: Charlie Weiss… Notre Dame… Can he win?

“Nobody cares about Notre Dame, Tim Brown told me some kids laughed at him when he asked why they don’t want to go to Notre Dame. It’s just not prestigious anymore.” – LeBetard

*panel looks at Bill*

“Notre Dame used to be USC’s rival. That shit is a joke, now. They better not give him a minute more to turn this around than they did Black-Ty.” – Rhoden Dogg

“Well, I think Charlie can get skill players because he did it in
the pros.” – Ryan

(*note: Ryan writes for the city of Boston where Weiss helped bring three Super Bowl titles)

• Issue 7: Parting Shots

Ryan
No one cares about the baseball All-Star game. Selig tried to make it matter by making the winning team have home field advantage in the World Series. How stupid.

It really is stupid. The MLB All-Star game barely peaks more interest than the NHL All-Star game, which barely peaks more interest than watching pot pies turn brown in the oven. Remember that tie they had a couple years ago? Ugh, gimme the homerun derby and leave me be.

LeBetard
Gary Sheffield don’t wanna leave the Yankees. He went the fuck off about it too. Hey, he was being honest.

Look, Sheff dogg has done everything that franchise has asked him to do. He coulda got paid more going elsewhere, but stayed because he thought there was loyalty left in sports… Yeah, that nigga was lunchin’. Steinbrenner don’t care about none of that shit.

Rhoden
Venus lost to a scrub a couple weeks ago. What y’all didn’t know was that she just wanted to make her third Wimbledon Championship look that much more dramatic. It worked.

Didn’t it? They were sleeping like Uncle Fred after his second plate at Thanksgiving dinner. Well, too bad for them, because Venus is stuffing yet another All England gold plate into her bag... Ehhh?

Lupica
Pat Riley wants to coach Shaq. Shaq wants Riles to coach him. He wants to win another title after leaving L.A. Shaq wants another title after leaving L.A. Stan Van Gundy is the only thing standing in their way. I’m gonna set my watch to this.

'Lup ain’t lying. Stan needs to sell his South Beach home right now, while he can overcharge people for frivilous summer spending fun. After Labor Day that market value is going down like a champ.